[dramatic music] (female voice from behind door)
Jack *and* Dean? (male voice from behind door)
…No, just Jack. We have to let him go. He’s not been pulling his weight for a while now. Thinks he’s above it all… he needs bringing down a peg or two. (male voice)
This is the end of Jack Howard. (female voice)
That was a bit dramatic.
-Yes, I thought that when I said it! -I liked it! (Dean)
Jack! I quit. -You did what?
-I quit! -Keep your voice down! (Dean)
Just now. -Why?
-You always said you didn’t want to do this job forever. So why not now? -No, I mean, why didn’t you tell me?
-I’m telling you now. I told him you quit too. -You didn’t. Dean…. -It’s like I always say: “Fuck a man.”
-Fuck *the* man. -That’s the spirit. (Jack)
I don’t think you’ve ever actually said that. -Dean, you always do this. You always take things too far. -Thank you. -Not a compliment. (Dean)
Listen, you hate this job, You don’t want to be a guy who does a job he hates forever. Like, there was this guy in the Army, built his way up, became a dictator in charge of a whole country. But he always wanted to be a painter. -That’s Hitler. That’s not the best example. -Just saying: think how much better off the world would have been if Hitler had sat off the Reich and picked up a brush – [loudly] I’m not the next Hitler! My parents would kill me. -If you were the next Hitler? (Jack)
If I quit my job. Have you thought about money? (Jack)
How are we gonna put bread on the table? -We don’t need money. We don’t need anything. As long as we’ve got each other. [dramatic music swell] (Jack)
“We don’t need anything as long as we’ve got each other.” Sew it on a pillow. Utter bollocks! -I mean, yeah, it’d be nice to have money *and* each other, but it’s not a perfect world, Jack. You should stare at her some more. Gawp at her. -Shut up. Stop! (woman)
Ooh, so it’s exciting, isn’t it! I can tell you’re excited. Ready to earn a little bit of moola…bit of dough…bit of the “ool’ Cashoosh”… I’m Suave Mauve which is short for Marvington. It isn’t really, it’s just Mauve. And you are…? Either of you can answer. -Sorry, I thought you were checking the file. -No, no I’m playing solitaire. -Well, I’m Dean.
-And I’m Jack. -Right, Dean and Jack, Dean and Jack. -We don’t usually say it like that. I don’t like being first, it’s too much pressure. -Oh, are those all the places you’ve been? -Oh! Ahh… No. (Mauve)
So before I start, I just want to ask you just a few questions. A few basic questions. A few admin questions. One question. [French accent] Un question. How many words can you type per minute? -How long are the words? -They don’t specify. -They should. -Yeah, they should. Heck, they should. -They should specif — ’cause I’ve never timed myself. -Well, why would you? Unless you knew you were going to be asked that question. And why would you ever think you’re gonna be asked that question, because it is a stupid one…? Anyways. So I can tell by the fact that you asked that question that neither have you been temps before. -No. -Well, how about you, Jack? -No, we’ve never been temps before. -No, I’m asking Jack. -No, never been temps. [computer ding] -Ooh! Look at this! A job has just come in. Lucky for you, two people are needed. Une, deux. It’s at Hills Bakery. So have either of you had much experience with bread? -I love bread. -Yeah, but you shouldn’t eat it though, should you. Because gluten makes you go weird. -It’s a forbidden love. -Well, you won’t be eating it. You’ll just be cooking it. -Baking it. -Technical jargon! I think you are a natural. I will tell them to expect you. [keyboard sounds] [JADOAT theme music] (TV advert)
“At Hills Bakery, we create the perfect environment for our free-range bakers.” “They can run jump and play,” “Because happy bakers bake happy bread.” -My mum and dad are gonna hate this.
-Have you done much baking before? -Mostly beans. -Mauve didn’t tell us we were gonna get the night shift. So that means I’m gonna do all the work. -What do you mean? -I mean you’ve never seen past midnight. Even at parties, you go to bed early and tell us to keep the noise down -Well, you were up all night yelling numbers. There’s no need
-It was New Year’s Eve. -I need my eight hours. [clock ticks] -This temp thing’s not gonna go down well with my mum and dad. -Your parents aren’t gonna like it?
-No, they are *not* gonna like it. -No! Your parents?! Why haven’t you mentioned this?! -Dean, I can see you’re mocking me. -Me? Mocking you?! -I’m serious, what am I gonna say? ‘Don’t worry mum and dad! I quit my financially secure job so I could have loads of little ones?’ -Tell them it’s an opportunity. You don’t know what you want to do, and this way you can try on loads of different hats and see what fits. -I do love a good hat. -Today, you’re a baker, tomorrow a fireman, and before you know it you’re a lawyer! And, if you combine all three, you’re a baking lawyer who can also save families from fires. -I do like the sound of that. What sort of hat does a lawyer wear? -Top hat.
-That’s a magician. -We could be magicians. -Don’t hold your breath. [oven door slams] [clock ticks] [oven dings] -It’s so late. -Talk me out of it.
-Out of what? -You know what I’m thinking. (thinking) I want to eat the bread. -Dean. I can’t hear your thoughts, we’ve been through this. -I want to eat the bread. -Umm…don’t? -I’m gonna need more than that. I’m close to the edge. I’m gonna jump. -(yawning) I knew this was a bad idea. (Dean)
Just a taste. I’m jonesing bad. -I don’t even know what you’re saying anymore. -God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. (Jack snoring) [thump] [clock ticks] (Jack snores)
-Just a crumb. [clock ticks]
[peaceful music] [dramatic “Scarface”-esque music] -Whats all this?! -It’s not what it looks like. -Really? ‘Cause it looks like you’ve gone mental and eaten all the bread. -That’s pretty bang-on actually. -Dean! You know what it does to you. -I can handle it. (snorts flour) (coughs) -Remember when I said you take things too far?
-No. -Well I did and this is that! You, sitting there, looking like a… …yeasty Scarface. -I’ve not seen it. -And aren’t you the one who wanted to put bread on the table? -I didn’t mean literally! (Dean)
Jack! Think how much dough we can make from this bread! Don’t let that pun detract from how serious I am about this. -I can’t believe you talked me into quitting the bank for this. -Jack! Our friendship’s gone stale. -Ha! Like bread? -Are you mocking me? -Me? Mocking you?! (laughs) What are you gonna do? (Jack screams) [pans clang]
(groans) (coughs) …Okay [dramatic music] [thump]
[dramatic music] [dramatic music] (both yell)
[dramatic music] [dramatic music] (both grunting)
[dramatic music] (Jack coughs) (shouts) (Dean growls) [dramatic music] (exclaims) (both grunting)
[dramatic music] [dramatic music] (Jack yells) (Jack screams)
[muffins impact] [suspenseful music] (Jack gasps) [dramatic music] -Dean this isn’t you! This is the bread talking. Oh! Wait, wait, wait –wait… We don’t need anything. As long as we’ve got each other. [dramatic music] -Nice try. (Jack)
NOOOO! -Soooooo… How did it go? -He fell asleep! -He ate all the bread! -He threw a doughnut at me! -Yeah, well, you tried to stab me with a baguette! -It could have been worse, yeah? (Dean)
-Yeah. Sorta six out of ten. (in unison)
What else ya got? [JADOAT theme music]