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100 thoughts on “double binds | narcissistic ‘no-win’ mind games

  1. Exquisite presentation and content as always. Your point at the end about victims of narcissists having support on the internet also has a flip side. So-called social media predictably enough has fomented a lot of very self-absorbed people. I wonder how many become full-blown, game-playing narcissists. Given the growing infantilisation of people, and "reality" shows essentially pushing the admiration and mimicry of the self-absorbed tantrum-throwing rejects such shows attract (as if they were somehow "role models"), I suspect that the two effects (not growing up + self-absorption) combined would have a higher outcome of full-blown narcissistic behaviour than either one in isolation.

    Picking up on your points about religious groups, this also seems to have fed into new dogmatism of the "progressives" and their witch-hunt mentality. Identify the "witch", and demand an apology for their alleged behaviour or thought crime. Any apology is simply a confession for which there is punishment (unless you are Justin Trudeau it seems). Fail to apologise and you're still guilty merely by the allegation. Due process be damned. That said, since there is nothing to be gained by apologising to the inquisition, not apologising still seems to give the better outcome from what I can make out.

  2. This was absolutely illuminating. I couldn't help notice this happening throughout many situations in my past with both my mother and a former friend who would consistantly collude together to do this to me. I would wonder who was in charge or if they both got a mutual kick out of it but I don't care at this point. I'm going to share this video to help stop this sort of abuse!

  3. Ive wonderd for many years, why my mother put me in impossible situations all the time… now i know why
    ive ponderd this for 20 years, Thank you.

  4. Hello mother dearest… and my first boss…

    Now im slightly insane.
    Honest though, to a fault. Only way i stay sane-ish.

  5. @theramintrees Do you find that its possible to setup these double binds without being a narcissist ? I find myself wondering as i look back upon actions in my life. I believe that I might have done so without even thinking about it, in times of high stress and relationships.

  6. My ma and da were very generous people , so much so that through their behaviour i gained many things such as a fear of rejection and failure, depression and anxiety. But at least I know the triggers now, don't try to change them (narcissists). They think my life is boring but its because i keep all that to myself and my friends. its none of their damn business, so that in theory they have less to fuck me with. Lol Loose lips sink ships. Be your own hero people.

  7. I've spent my entire life dodging these types of people and I'm glad to see others are, too, and that I'm not alone.

  8. Your mum and my dad would have gotten along famously! From bragging about revenge against people for perceived slights to the false accusations with no way out. I was rarely allowed to do anything or participate in any social activities then berated for not having friends for example. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall in his childhood to see what went wrong exactly.

  9. I'm familiar with the double-bind.
    The best response to being placed in one is to be meaner than a snake, and to dismantle the personality of the enactor and assassinate their character to their face, and in public.

  10. Mccarthy had a point however; the long march through the institutions is real; we are seeing it's fruits.
    Though it's questionable if he did any good considering his rep.

  11. how could u stay so calm talking about your family's story? i wonder how long it must've taken you to work it out. The story of how my father died to cancer wasn't nearly as grim and yet everytime i talk about it i have the hardest time not to sound weird/cry/shake or anything similar.

  12. XD 3 minutes in… You can ignore them. Psh, no you can't, you'll be punished by hours of back and forth mind games including fighting when you think you can relax and a moment to relax when you're rigid. They can ignore you but not the other way around. You will be required to sacrifice everything until the issue is confronted. Not resolved, just, blown up to the highest capability.

  13. Be selfish. And shun people who have qualms with your being selfish. Because chances are, they want you to serve them at their whim.

  14. I’m so sorry about your Father. I think it is important that resources for abuse victims are open to men, too, because many men think they just have to deal with it and be strong. Thank you for making this video.

  15. Girlfriend: Do I look good today?
    Me: yeah you look great today
    Girlfriend: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "TODAY" DO I NOT LOOK GOOD THE OTHER DAYS?!
    Me: I plead the 5th Your Honor

  16. You make double-binds seem extremely destructive and always with an evil intent. My experience with double binds has mostly been from my parents, and I think most of the time it's just them being unaware of what they're actually telling me, or me misinterpreting their message.

    A lot of people will experience double binds and think it's because the other person is a narcissist, when they might just be unaware of what they're doing.

  17. I was a pimo jehovah's Wittnes for 14 years…. My softspot was my wife… I lost here (and my family) when i left the cult. I have to acsept her choice like you acsepted your fathers.

  18. We need to re-start the Witch Hunts …because I found that they are everywhere …you just showed an angry Grandma …THAT IS THE WITCH

  19. I wanted something to listen to while i clean my apartment, i started this going then just paused + subbed at 1:16 I can tell this is dope already. Will watch later with full attention though lol need to get things squeaky.

  20. It's funny how the first two minutes so accurately describe how social justice warriors work. Edit: the entire video, not just the first part.

  21. Before you accuse close family members and significant others of having a mental illness or a deranged and narcissistic personality. Before you write them off as a defect, maybe you guys should ask yourself, seriously, if you could have done better. There are a few people here who make sense but it just seems like a massive circlejerk of people pissing behind others they have a personality conflict with.

  22. Gosh, the youtube algorithm has really done me a favor by bringing me here. Thank you for making this video.. I always appreciate and reflect on the stories of other people with narc mothers- it makes for such a confusing existence.

    My condolences regarding your father.

  23. Eh very cool animation not sure why this was recommenced to me but i think you gotta have some serious shit going on in your life to actually watch this entire thing lol.

  24. There was a guy who was a friend of my friend that I had to put up with for 2 years. He did this and other forms of manipulation, I'm sure. Every single time I'd try to separate myself from this nutjob, my friend (still friends with him to this day) would try to make me make amends, bring the group back together, but I always knew something was up with that person. That abuser had my friend in his talons and I knew it. As of the beginning of summer this year, my friend began to see what I was talking about, he began to see manipulation where he hadn't before, and we ALL distanced ourselves from this abuser in a matter of days.

    Recently, that friend of mine found this video (linked it to me!) and said it opened his eyes more into just how long he was trapped and unable to escape from the abuser's narcissistic mind games and really painted a picture on just how bad he was. (He had been friends with the guy since elementary school)

  25. I've been doing a lot of reading and watching of material that covers narcissism. I'm in a situation where I have to live with one, and currently I don't see any way out so I'm trying to deal with them. People tell me, and I've heard, I should ignore them. "Stonewall" them. This doesnt work… I've tried it a few times. After a couple of days they explode at me, tell me I'm creating an uncomfortable environment for them. They always try to become the victim… they'll tell me I'm mad at them, which I'm not. They tell me I have no right to be mad at them. I have severe diagnosed depression with a history of suicidal tendencies and multiple hospital visits including a forced stay in a mental health clinic. My narcissist knows all of this. Sometimes I tell them I'm being quiet recently because I'm depressed.. and they get angry at me, and tell me they're depressed, and they have more reasons to be depressed than I have. They do the same thing if I'm sick. I've never been through as much pain as they have, I've never been as sick as they have… everything I try is wrong and ends miserably and if it wasnt for them I'd be dead… I've heard all of this stuff for so long I can't help but believe it. Any weakness I share with them in an attempt to connect is used against me. One time I told them about my plan to jump from Golden Gate. Their response was to laugh and do an impression of me being too scared once I got there. I felt inspired to do it to prove them wrong.

    Sorry for the long rambling story… this is the first time I've ever really shared anything like this with anybody. I do have a question… do narcissists know what they're doing? They do these things for self gratification, but do they actually think to themselves "how can I best make someone feel powerless, or worthless?" or does it just happen naturally for them. Is there something in people like this that's just evil? Or are they just sick in the head?

  26. Your story of your mother and your father kills me because I'm going through the same thing right now. Ever since I moved out from my parent's place years ago, my mother has been abusing my father constantly. I try to talk him into leaving but he just keeps trying to fix things. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I just try to let my Dad know that I love him every chance I get.

  27. Holy fuck, I know I don't have it bad but I think my girlfriend has put me through many double binds and now I don't know what to do

  28. Sadly It’s much much harder to deal with these people if you’re already entangled with them. Stay strong.

    If a new one tries it on though, calling the game out to their face will usually get them to back off, they’ll move on to an easier target.

  29. Something important to consider is that people who are this way rarely think of themselves this way, and can easily start to see these things in everyone else.
    The wording here makes it seem like people wake up thinking to themselves how they can fuck other people over, but it's something people do out of habit or inclination without realizing they're doing it, and treating it like an "us and them" dilemma empowers those people to take it to a new stage wherein they convince people they're the "us" and everyone else is the "them".

  30. So they say do x and dont do x at the same time? Damn these people are borderline retarded lmao
    These people in fact seem pretty easy to break if you plan it out right

  31. This video was very personal for me and I do thank you for giving me a clear understanding of some deeply troubling things I've been trying to sort out in my life.

  32. These types of people need to be confronted with the important question of "why"? Why is it that they act the way they do what is it that they're so insecure about to act the way they do

  33. Your dad's story is the perfect example of why narcissists deserve no love and can only wake up (become aware) alone.

  34. Well after watching these and other videos and keeping track of my mother for several weeks I know for sure now my mother is a malignant narcissist. It’s been years and we were never able to pin her down properly because she’s an ISFJ. She has so many layers she puppets which are not authentic layers, and she is so quiet and good at “idiot compassion” and being a “devouring mother” that she is able to hide her narcissism under a covert matrix of “Fe” control.

  35. I come from a narcissistic family situation. These traps are extremely common and cruelly applied whenever convenient. It's hard to get your mind back into a good place after drowning in this kind of environment for many years.

  36. McCarthy was COMPLETELY right about what was going on in the US with communist subversion, bad example. Yuri Bezmonov, an ex-KGB agent corroborated what McCarthy knew.
    "If they said no, they could be vulnerable to perjury charges", perjury being the willful telling of a lie while on oath…
    They were being persecuted for acting in accordance to the ideology of the US' prime enemy in the world at that time, not at all unreasonable, especially considering the damage they did to the culture as a result of not being snuffed out.

  37. Whenever I get presented such a double blind like this in multiplayer games, I fall on the 3rd option, my answer is "to hell with what answer you falsely feel entitled to"

  38. Not that related, just thinking out loud, but I wish I had a sibling, would be easier to withstand the world…

  39. This has really helped me I can’t say whether or not my own mother is a narcissist but I can certainly use these tactics with her. Thank you so much! & have you my deepest condolences. I’m incredibly close to my father as well & I can say without doubt he is one of the few reasons why I’m still here. I cannot imagine my life without him. & I get so afraid of what his life will be like once I can get on my feet enough to move out.

  40. I'm sorry you also had to go through all this. The thing with this form of abuse is it flies under the radar, I would much rather have been raped by my parents of beaten moreso so that I was fostered than have to go through the long winded sadistic prison of narcissistic anti social parents,

  41. Guy: "Did you hear Joe was diagnosed with ligma?"
    Theramin: "What's li… I'm not falling for that. Who's Joe?"
    Guy: "Joe mama."
    Theramin: I want to explore a particularly poisonous mind game, called the double bind

  42. Thank you so much for your uploads. I can't help feeling these videos should be required for children in school much like Orwell.

  43. DUDE İM JUST A REGULAR PERSON BUT NEVER CONTACT THAT BITCH OF A MOTHER OF YOURS WATCH HER ROT SLOWLY AND PISS IN HER GRAVE WHEN THE TIME COMES BRO STAY STRONG

  44. My Grandmother is also a narcissistic who had a hold over my mother for most of her life until a few years ago when i explained to her what was happening. After years of talking/dealing with her I've found there is a way out of her double-binds and false accusations. one example is if i show no interest in going on holiday she would leave magazines on tables open on holiday advertisements but if i wanted to go somewhere they'd change to newspaper articles of air-plane crashes or kidnapping/murders in other countries.My response to the latter would be "at least i would go out with a bang" and laugh. After this she redoubled her efforts on my mother because she saw i knew what she was doing but because my mother was now aware of what was happening she would give a similar response. This would result in my grandmother shouting at us and breaking down into tears blaming us for the stress she goes through and if that doesn't work she shouts at my grandfather who has been living with this for who knows how many years and is numb to it now. When this doesn't work she storms out of the room and returns 30 minutes later as if nothing happened. From personal experience there is no real real way to prepare yourself to deal with narcissists when you meet one. However it can be made much easier if you talk to someone who can handle them and improve your improvising skills. For me, i treat narcissists like a scripted play as most will follow the same script when trying to control someone. if you can change that script it will throw them off and make them panic, stopping them for just long enough for you to change the script to something more suited to you. There is never a 'no-win' situation just a choice you haven't yet seen. The best advice i can give to people on the receiving end of narcissists is that there is nothing wrong with you or the choices you make, a large part of narcissism is jealousy, they see the life you have and want to damage it. Not because they want it for themselves but because they just can and believe no one should be in a better position then what they are in. If you think you are dealing with a narcissist do not take anything they say or do personally the problem is not you.

  45. I heard comments are good for the youtube algorithm and I loved your content so much, especially how you opened up about your past experiences with your personal life. You've inspired me to be actively aware of narcissists in my own and my loved ones' lives, and I know have the tools to deal with or help the situations. I've even identified how I may be practicing some narcissism in my own life and how to avoid it. Your voice was very calming and soothing, I feel like I could fall asleep to it. I've turned on notifications so please keep going!

  46. I have come to realize I've taken the role of the narcissist some times in the past without even knowing it. I feel very sorry for those who were around me at the time.

  47. One of many examples with my step mother growing up:
    When she was in town I would call her and ask what chores needed to be done before she got home, and how she wanted them done. Or if I should wait for her to get home to guide me or if she wanted to do them herself.

    She would then get mad at me for calling her, and instead I "shouldn't have to be asked, [I] should just do it"

    Alright, I'll stop calling then and wait for her to get home.

    "Why aren't any of these things done??? If you didn't know what to do, you should have just called so I could tell you so I can come home to a clean house!"

    Yeah… That was a catalyst for a freak out I had in front of her and my dad. She then denied she did anything wrong and tried to make it seem like it was my fault…

  48. In electronics damned if you do/damned if you don't are classified as "don't care", meaning the choice is open and not dependent on the factor "damned". Now, however if you do care if you are damned or not, then you have to look for some other factor that governs damnation. Fairly obvious.

  49. You are absolutely retarded if you think McCarthy was wrong everything else you say is completely invalid thank you for wasting my time

  50. My mother is just like yours then. Exactly the same issues: double binds and false accusations. Narcissistic and Paranoid disorders are no joke.

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