– Brendan, what were
you like in high school? – Uh–
– Cam McNeely. Okay, sorry.
– Yeah, yeah, that was– – I was– I would
dye my hair, and I would, like,
also wear big… I wash– huge into Eminem, so I’d wear these
big XXXL sweatshirts. Don’t fuckin’ make a fat joke,
I sit in y– on your lips. – Oh, no, no, I was smiling.
– Mmm, yeah, yeah, right. You missed the fuckin’–
you dropped the ball on that– – I think someone’s projecting.
– Yeah, check your insecurities at the door, pal.
– Well… (clears throat) – Well, no, bring ’em in,
when you do. – (laughter)
– We don’t check anything at the door here.
– I w– and I dyed my hair. And I, like, bleached it. And then I would also
do liberty spikes sometimes, and I would wear eye shadow
sometimes. – Oh, wow, you were
desperate for an identity. – Yep. Yep!
– Still are, huh? ♪♪ – It’s “You Up with
Nikki Gl– Glaser”, guys. Can I say my name?
No one knows. Not then, I couldn’t. Uh, my name’s Nikki Glaser, it’s “You Up
with Nikki Glaser”. This is, uh, my nephew’s
favorite song. And, uh, I just wanted to start
the show off with it today. Calvin Harris, and Pharrell,
and Katy Perry. It’s a fun little song,
fun little nitty. Uh, great show
for you today. In studio,
two hilarious comedians. Every Thursday,
we have Ian Fidance in. – Hi, I’m here today.
– So he’s here today. – Yes!
– Yanny! – Yanny!
Laurel and Yanny. Why is no one talking
about that anymore? – I don’t know.
But I’m– I’m doing it to the point where
people don’t want me to. – No, you’re not still doin’ it. I mean, we were on
a Yanny and Laurel tear back in the day.
– Uh-huh, yep, yep. – When was that?
– This time last year. – Yeah, it was last year.
– It was all the rage, and then now, um, people…
– Yanny. Yanny. – There was a weird time
where things like that were popping up, like
that dress outta nowhere. – Yeah, Brendan Sagalow
is who you’re hearing right now. – Yo, yo. What up?
– What’s up? Um, have you been on
the show before? – Nope, first time–
– Nope, feels like you’ve been here before because…
– Yeah. – …you just fit in, you jumped right in
before you were announced. Real comfortable over there.
– Little too comfortable. – Little too, uh, yeah.
– Just so you know, I’m faking
the comfortability. – He’s like a physical Yanny. – I don’t even know
what that means– – Why are we still
talking to him? – And I hate– it sounds like
you just called me a slur. I hate what you just said.
– Brendan Sagalow is here. Hilarious comedian.
Um, I, uh, I just know you
from Rosebud Baker’s Instagram stories, mainly.
– Yeah. – And then I also
got to know you at th– I think I first met you
at the Comedy Cellar. – Yeah.
– Many, many moons ago. And you just made me
laugh so hard… – Oh, thanks.
– …just sitting there not even trying, I was like,
this guy is really funny. and, like, seems
to not give a fuck. – This is the best day–
– You do give off that air. Do you realize
you give off that air of kind of, like–
– Really? – Yeah, you kind of seem cool.
– Oh. Cool! – And, like,
but I know you’re not because you’re
a young comedian. (laughter) – My palms are sweating. – Y– yes, they are.
– Sweating. Oh my God, what is th–
you have tattoos? You don’t seem
like a tattoo guy at all. – Really?
– Yeah. – I have six tattoos.
I got one on my– I have Johnny Depp’s face
on my chest. – What?
– Yep, yep, yep. – Is that for a joke?
Are these for jokes? – (mock robot voice)
Cool– cool meter shrinking. – Cool meter–
– Cool meter shrinking. – Shrinking.
– (laughter) Uh, wait a second, why do you
have Johnny Depp’s… – It was, like, my–
it was my– like, my second tattoo,
I was 18. – He used to dye his hair
blonde and rap. – Oh, wow.
– (Brendan) That is true. I, uh, you know, please don’t
tell people my secrets. – We’ll get into that
in a second. Wait a sec, but why
Johnny Depp’s face? – I– I– it was like,
“Fear and Loathing” was the first book I read. And I didn’t even finish it,
to be honest. And then I-I was, like–
I made it a personality. You know how you do that
when you’re younger? – Yeah, guess what?
“Fear and Loathing”– – (laughter)
– The book doesn’t have Johnny Depp in it.
– I know, but I wanted the book cover,
and the lady was like, “Well, it’ll stretch”, so… She’s like,
“It won’t look good, so let’s just
do the movie cover.” And I was like,
put it on me forever, baby. – You should’ve gotten
the audiobook. – The audiobook.
– (laughter) – Wait a second, so you got
Johnny Depp bec– did you like the movie?
– I loved the movie. – Did you finish the movie?
– Yeah, it doesn’t hold up. – Okay, yeah.
– I watched it recently. I was like, this movie sucks.
– Does your tattoo hold up? – No.
– Yeah! (overlapping chatter) – Let me see it, let me see it.
– (Ian) Take your shirt off. – Can we see it?
– Okay. Boom. – Let me see?
– Oh yeah. It’s the– yeah, that is
actually pretty cool. Okay, we know that image.
– (Brendan) Yeah, uh-huh. It’s– I thought i–
it’s very cool. – It doesn– I would’ve–
yeah, okay. I-I– you do have
good tattoos. Ian, you have tattoos–
– Have you seen the other ones? No, I mean, I see
the ones on his arm. They’re pretty cool.
– I got that one– – What is that?
That looks like a Lisa Frank, um…
– That’s a lake. – …Thomas Kinkade-type–
it’s a lake… – (Brendan) I saw, um–
– It’s like you’re standing at the end of
a pier or a dock. – Yes.
– And there’s part of a dock in it,
and then– this is radio, so I’m describing it
for our listener– it’s the end of a dock,
it’s like you’re standing midway on a dock,
and then there’s a lake, and then there are trees,
and then a starry sky– which no sky has
ever looked like that in the history of skies.
– Yeah, it has. – N… no.
– Maybe in, like, “The Day After Tomorrow”.
– When have you seen– yeah, exactly.
– (Ian) An apocalyptic film. – I mean, the sky
is pink and purple, with tons of star–
– I mean, really, you just got a rainbow tattoo
with decorations. – Yeah. Wait, what does
that mean to you? – Nothing.
– No way. – It means nothing.
– Really? – Yeah.
– See, I like that. I like tattoos that
don’t mean nothing. – Yeah, I don’t– I’m not even
a car guy, I got a car tattoo. – What kinda car is that?
– I think it’s a… (laughter) – A bad idea? (laughter) – Shut the fuck up, Ian! – A Chevy Bad Idea.
– Have you seen your legs? – I know!
– Um, it’s– it’s Ford Thunderbird
for sure. – Okay.
– But I don’t know what date. Maybe 1970.
– It should’ve been Cor-vetted before
I got it? (laughter) – Wait, why do you ha–
– I just have these ideas. I wanna get a flamingo on me.
– Okay, that– – Oh, hell yeah.
I wanna get a deer on me. With a– with
a crown of thorns and underneath it says,
“Deer Jesus”. (claps hands) Whoo!
– No! – Yeah!
– No, why? – (Ian) I like it!
– No, “Dear Jesus” isn’t a phrase people use–
– ‘Cause I’ve always liked deers and I like puns.
– Yeah. – And I used to be
super into God. – That sounds like it would
be on, like, a t-shirt. – So, like, you want Jesus
with deer antlers? – No, a deer with–
with a crown of thorns. – On a crucifix?
– And underneath it says, “Deer Jesus”. Get it?
– Oh, God. – And then underneath that
it says, “It’s a pun!” – Wait, so, but no one
says “Dear Jesus”. – I know, that’s
what I’m saying. “Dear Jesus” isn’t a thing. – Well, I’m gonna make it
a thing. I like it, and I don’t care
if anyone else does. – But you’r– you don’t
understand what I’m saying. It’s like, “Dear Jesus” isn’t,
like, a thing that people– like, isn’t a common phrase.
– Yeah, people don’t– – You’ve never said
“Dear Jesus”? – (both) No!
– Well, you guys aren’t going to heaven. (laughter) – Neither are you. You’re fu– you’re w– and not just because of–
– The gay sex? – No, mainly that.
– (Ian) Yeah. (laughter) – You– you don’t have
a shot in hell. – (Ian) What?!
– I mean, you do have one. – Uh-huh, that’s–
– You have m– – That’s where I’m goin’.
– That’s one thing you do have. – One straight shot to hell. (laughter) – Okay, I need
to understand, Brendan, uh,
wh– what the– – I feel like we just
got back from a trip, ’cause there’s
a lot to unpack. – There is so much
to unpack. And these puns
are killing me today. – I hate ’em.
I hate ’em. I woke up at 8:00 AM for this. – Yeah, Ian’s on fire
this morning. – Oh my God.
– Uh-huh. – (Ian making siren sounds)
– So I have the car. – Okay, and was that
your first one? – No, my first one was
a little four leaf clover on my, uh… arm.
– Okay. Well, that means good luck
or whatever the hell… – Getting laid.
– Yeah, it means being cool. – “Good luck getting laid”. (laughter) – I’m so dumb, I thought
you meant getting laid. I didn’t know you
were finishing her sentence. – Yeah, uh, it wa–
the timing was off. So you weren’t wrong.
– Oh, okay. – Yeah, okay, so you first
got the– the four leaf clover. – Mm-hmm.
– When you were 18? – 16, yes.
– 16. – Did you have to get
your parents’ permission, or was that done illegally?
– No. Illegally.
– Where did you get it done? – At St. Marks.
– Oh, really? – Yeah, in the back–
back room. – Are you from New York?
– Long Island. – Oh, okay, so you
went to Manhattan, and you knew a guy… – I didn’t know a guy,
I just walked in. – And they didn’t check
your ID? They didn’t care? – No, he was the third guy. So we– we went
into every tattoo place. – What year was this?
– Uh, 2005? 2006? – Yeah.
– Okay, so, you– you went in there,
you got your first tattoo. Wha– why that one?
Why a four leaf clover? – I don– ’cause I’m Irish,
I guess. I don’t know. – What is th– what is
the compulsion to get tattoos? – It feels good.
– And you feel good. – You feel cool for,
like, two days aft– you walk around with this–
it’s confidence. – Really?
– There’s this confidence that gets added to– it’s like
when you buy new clothes and you’re walking around
in the new clothes for a while. You’re like,
I feel fucking good, I have confidence.
– Mm-hmm. – So that’s what a tattoo does.
– But why aren’t you just covered in tats then?
Because if the payoff only lasts a couple days,
wouldn’t you need to, like, re-up?
– ‘Cause confidence costs money. – Yeah, you need money.
– Oh, right, okay. – It’s expensive confidence.
– Oh, it is? – Yeah, yeah.
– Okay, so then, your second tattoo was–
– Was the Johnny Depp. – Johnny Depp, yeah.
– Uh-huh, which is– a big upgrade from
a little, tiny clover… – I know, mm-hmm.
– …to a huge Johnny Depp on your chest.
– (Brendan) When I wasn’t fat– – He got the clover
’cause he’s Irish and the Johnny Depp
’cause he’s an asshole. – (laughter)
– (Nikki) And the… – Do you wanna fight, dude? – The Johnny Depp one,
that’s on your– – Ian, can I talk
to you for a second? – It’s right on
your chest plate too. – It’s right on my
right chest plate. – It’s almost like on your–
– Right here. Right by my collarbone.
– That’s a sensitive region– – Yeah.
– Is it on your collarbone? Collarbone hurts a lot.
– Yeah, for, like a second, it fucking hurt so bad.
– And sternum. – What I’m getting at is does it
feel good to get a tattoo? – Yeah! Yeah!
– Yes. – I-I understand
the couple days afterwards you’re walking around
and you feel kinda cool. – Yeah.
– And it looks fresh and there’s, like,
this story you have. But is the act of getting
a tattoo, um– – Yeah.
– There’s a lot of adrenaline pumping?
– Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. – Lotta good pain.
– You might be making a huge mistake, so there’s
that kind of threat in the air. – Yeah, yep, there is that.
– And also, uh, leading up to it,
it feels like Christmas. ‘Cause you gotta make
the appointment ahead of time. And then you’re excited
about the design, and “Oh my God, the day
is coming, I can’t wait.” – Yes.
– And then my favorite part is when they shave your hair.
– Oh, that’s the best part. – Why? Why?
– (Ian) Oh, that feels good. – Just shave then.
– (laughter) – ‘Cause they put,
like, a special… – Yeah, why don’t you
just shave, then, all the time? – Well, no, ’cause it, I– it feels good to have
someone else do it. – Okay, just have
someone else shave you then, and then draw on you with
a Sharpie or whatever. – But then I need needles
stuck in me. – (Nikki) Okay, so–
– You should get a tattoo. I think you– you would
really dig it. – I can’t at this point.
– The best part of getting a tattoo is when they finish
and then they take a– that rag or whatever,
and they go… (makes whooshing sound)
And they wipe away all the blood and everything.
– And then you see the clean image.
– Yeah, yep. – Ooh, okay.
– That is awesome. – On freshly shaved skin.
– Yes, all right. – I feel like you’re
really leaning into this shave thing.
– So do you almost go for tattoos now that
are more intricate so that that process
takes longer? – Yes. And I love color. Like I, uh, I love– I want
all my tattoos to be colorful and vibrant and all that.
– And– and… okay. You have “punks”
written on your hand. – Yes.
– Is that a tattoo, or… – Well, that was also a mistake.
– Okay. – That is a tattoo.
– No, that’s cool. – I got that when I was 20. – Wait, you said “also”
a mistake? What other ones
were a mistake? I feel like we h–
– All of ’em. – Oh, really?
– No, just, uh, just the “punks” was
probably a bad idea. – Okay.
– The clover was probably a bad idea.
– Mm-hmm. – I have my buddy Jacob’s
name in an octopus on me. He is not dead, uh…
– (laughter) – He’s alive and well.
I talked to him yesterday. – Okay.
– (Ian) Why? – I don’t know.
– That’s great. – That one was probably
the biggest mistake. ‘Cause it’s, like,
a joke tattoo. And you go like…
(mock cackling) And then years go by
and you’re like, oh, this is still there,
and it’s… the joke is over.
– Who is Jac– Jacob to you? – He’s my best friend.
– (Ian) That’s so nice. – And you got it as a joke
because this– why would you get your best
friend’s name tattooed on you? – Yeah, well, it was
a running gag. He was like, “You should get my name
tattooed, ha ha ha.” And then I-I did it.
– Yeah. – And then it also sucks
because we asked the guy to put a pirate hat on it,
but he put, like, an old-school pirate hat? So it looks like a–
it looks like– – It looks like a penis!
– It looks like a penis! – It truly looks like a penis.
– Yeah. – It looks like the logo
for the Mellow Mushroom. You know, that restaurant?
– (Brendan) No. – Well, it looks terrible,
is what I’m saying. – I know, I hate it.
I hate it very much. – It’s funny, though,
at least. You have a guy’s name, Jacob–
– Yeah. – And he’s not dead.
– Not dead. – He will be someday.
– Yeah. I’ll die before him,
he’s in shape. He goes to the gym, everything.
– Oh, God. – Does he have any tattoos?
– Nope. – When did you get that one?
The Jacob one? – College.
– Okay. – Mm-hmm, in Binghamton. – And what’s
“punks” about? – Uh, Billy Joel Armstrong
has that tattoo. – He has it in the same place?
– He has it in the same place. On his hand, so…
– And– – He also has a pill addiction,
you gonna get on that? (laughter) – I’ve been there. – Okay, this is so funny– – See, I like the “punks”.
– Yeah, the “punks” are cool. My hands are fucked up, though. I have eczema
and mosquito bites that I’ve picked at.
– Yeah, I love picking at a mosquito bite.
– So good. – Oh, I love making
an X with my thumb. – (Brendan) Yes!
– With my thumbnail. – You’re supposed to make an X
and then slap it. – Why?
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s supposed
to get rid of the itch. – (Brendan) Really?
– (Ian) Mm-hmm. – I’ll try that next time.
– You know that itch– when you scratch something
to get rid of the itch, the– the reason that
it gets rid of the itch is because it heats it up. When you scratch something,
it heats it up. So if you just put a… itching, scratching
is just a way to make friction
and to make heat. So heat makes
itches go away. It’s not the scratching that
just makes it go away. Isn’t that interesting?
– That’s so interesting. – Yeah, so, just
a little fact for you. – (Brendan) I bought a–
– Let’s get back to this dock. This dumb tattoo of you–
– Back to the itching for one second.
– (Nikki) Yeah. – ‘Cause I think
this is a great idea, and I would lo–
– Tattoos feel like an itch. – (Nikki) Mmm.
– I bought a loofah recently. – Yeah!
– And I’m just fucking going at my itches with it
in the shower. – Ooh, it’s so good.
– (Brendan) Feels so good. When my balls itch,
I just fuckin’… – That is one of the best
feelings in the world, is getting an itch.
– (Brendan) Yes. – And… but not when
you can’t scratch it. So like, my balls
itch a lot. – Do they? Why?
– Yeah. It’s a pro– I went to a dermatologist
about it. – And?
– And he was like, “you have to lose weight”.
That’s what he said. – Oh, that’s it?
– He’s like, “You probably are just– the friction
of your legs–” – Maybe you have
eczema on your balls? Is that a thing?
– I thought I did, but he was like, “You don’t.”
– Oh, okay. – I was like, is it eczema?
He was like, “No. No, you’re just fat”.
– And how do you treat your eczema?
– Uh, I use cream. And I use a lot of CeraVe.
– CeraVe. – CeraVe.
When I get out of the shower– – Sounds like a white girl’s
daughter’s name. (laughter) “This is my daughter CeraVe.” (laughter) “And my son Eczema”. (laughter) – “And my nephew Cetaphil”. Um, okay–
– (laughter) – Why, um, okay. But w– when did eczema
come up for you? How did– how does that–
what is– what is– – This was recent.
– Yeah. – This was, like,
last couple of years. – Really?
– It just came up, man. – Now, I see you have eczema
where your tattoo is. Do they have tattoo
on the eczema? – No, that’s actually
a tattoo of eczema. – (laughter)
– Yeah. – He doesn’t have eczema,
he just has tattoos of it. Of plaque psoriasis. (laughter) I’m getting some
plaque psoriasis tattooed on my elbow tomorrow. Um, okay. So, I think we’ve
gone through all of them. – Pretty much, yeah.
– No, I thought you said you had six.
– Wait, I-I really need to understand this–
this sky scene. Why– what made you
pick that out? How did you land on that?
– And the spot. – Well, this was a cover-up.
– Oh, okay. – My buddy bought a tattoo gun
when we were in high school. – (laughter)
– And, uh… and, uh, I am like–
– And it misfired? – I am, like,
the whitest trash in the room. And, uh, we put a little
smiley face on. And, uh, it was huge.
But it was so bad that people would ask me like, “Did you just
draw that on today?” I would get that question
every single day. – Now, why did you get
the smiley face in such a visible place?
Why not, like, your thigh? – It just keeps going back.
I was in a band… (laughter) I was in a pop-bunk
garage band. – Yeah! Wha–
what was the name? – Uh, well, we called ourselves
Toxic Toast. – All right.
– Which is a great name. But that’s the name of–
– I don’t know about that. – It’s a great name.
– Okay. – That’s a foreigner ordering
Texas toast. (laughter) – Texas toast?
– (foreign accent) “I like toxic toast, please”.
– (laughter) – But it’s a Mighty Mighty
Bosstones cover band, and they’re wildly successful. – They are?
– Yeah, the cover band. – And they’re still
called Toxic Toast? – And they call themselves
Toxic Toast, yeah. – No way.
– Mm-hmm. – The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
aren’t wildly successful. What are you talking about?
– In their own right, they are. They’re– they’re one of
the best ska bands of all time. – Okay. – All right.
(laughter) – What? No one else? – I mean, I liked their
performance in “Clueless” a lot. – Right?
– Like, acting-wise, I thought it was really good.
– They were in that? – Yeah.
– Who were they in “Clueless”? – They were the, um–
– They were at the party where Josh dances
like an idiot, and Christian comes out of–
we kind of realize that Christian is gay.
– Yes, because he wants to dance
all night long. – Yeah, with, like,
the g– with the guys. – (Ian) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– And he’s like, hanging out too late
with them. – Instead of Alicia Silverstone.
– It’s so funny, when I first saw that movie,
I had no idea he was gay. – (Ian) No idea.
– It’s almost I was as “Clueless”
as she was in the movie. – (Ian) Right, right.
– Ad that you don’t find– I didn’t find out he was gay
until she did. – Right.
– Whereas if you watch it now, there’s signs from the get-go
that Christian is gay. – But it’s funny
’cause it was, like, an old 1950s gay, you know?
– Yes, it was. – Where it– it wasn’t like
this flamboyant, like, you know, sexualized,
like, what ev– – What’s 1950s–
– “I wanna go watch a Martha Darling film.”
– Yeah! Yeah, yeah. – They’re wearing,
like, a kimono. – He likes watching
Tony Curtis films. – Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he’s, like, got, like, an expensive car,
and, like, all this weird– – She drops her pen
and he looks at her legs and he goes, “Nice stems.”
Like, the gayest compliment. – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– (laughter) – Rich Vos is just lurking outside
of our studio. – (laughter)
– Oh my God. – I told him he can come in
any time he wants if he’s ever around,
so he can come on in. – (Ian) Yeah!
– We have to go to break. But Rich Vos… – (Ian) Yeah!
– Hey, get over here. Right here, right here.
– (Ian) Legend! The legend, Rich Vos.
– What’s up? – Every time I’m in
this building, if I can’t stop in and say hi
to one of my favorite people, it’s not worth
the trip here. – A– and who are you
gonna say tha– – You, you.
– Me? Really? I thought you were gonna change
that at the end. – No, I coulda been–
tried to be funny– – You look great, Rich,
what’s going on? – Well, here’s– I’m trying
to start this new diet where– it’s not new to me–
where I eat 8 hours on and 16 off.
– Yeah, intermittent fasting. – So I can’t say, so–
the word’s too big. – “Intermittent fasting.” – So instead you say
“eight hours on and 16 off”?
– Yes, yes. Nobody wants to say
“intermittent”, okay? – Oh my God,
I think “fasting” is actually the word
you struggle with the most. – (laughter)
– (Rich) So yesterday… I start eating at
3:00 PM to 11:00 PM. – Okay.
– So yesterday, I’m walking down the street
in New York, and it’s, like, 1:00,
and I’m starving. – Yeah.
– And I swear, this homeless guy goes,
“Do you have a couple dollars so I can eat? I’m hungry.”
– I go, You’re hungry? I got two more hours
till I have to eat– (laughter) – I go,
you don’t know hunger until you have to wait
till 3:00, pal. (laughter) – Is this gonna be
your life forever? – No, I just wanna lose
ten pounds. – Why?
– (Brendan) Why? – So I can be ripped,
you know what I mean? – For what?
– I just wanna do comedy once with my shirt off,
you know, like a rock star. – (laughter)
– I know, I know. Like a Bert Kreischer.
– No, no, not like Bert. No, I don’t wanna get
harpooned. I, uh… (laughter) Okay? This… Uh, I wanna g–
(laughter) Years ago– years ago,
I hosted Woodstock ’99. I was– and you
can see pictures. Sometimes 50,000 people,
sometimes 5,000, whatever. And I had to– but I would’ve
loved to walk out there like those rock stars
that are ripped– – Yeah, that would’ve
been hilarious. – Tattooed up and whatever. Excuse me, headliners
are talking. – (laughter)
– Ah, you piece of shit! – Stop it, okay?
All right? Jesus Christ, the only guy
who comes to radio that has to bring people.
– (laughter) – Shut your stupid mouth
when I’m talking. You don’t ever interrupt
Rich Vos, all right? I’ll get you cancelled
at Stand Up New York, uh– – (laughter)
– Your stupid home club. You stink, so anyhow–
I didn’t mean it in a bad way. – New York Comedy Club
is my home club. – Whatever. Whatever place
will use you after 2:00. So…
– (laughter) – So not– I’m just–
what I’m saying is, you know how–
how rock stars… you know, they come out
and they’re ripped and they’re tatted up.
– Yeah, yeah. – How cool is that?
– I mean, I-I feel the same way. Like, when I talk to you
and to Bonnie, like, we’re always in search of,
like, being hotter or whatever. And it’s like,
what’re we doing, really? I mean…
– (laughter) – It’s– it’s for
that one time we host Woodstock
and wanna fit in. Or when I do
“Dancing With The Stars” and wanna be something I’m not. – Yeah, but, like,
you know… you’re right. Bonnie the other night said–
and we’re separated now. – No, you’re not.
– I know, I’m just practicing. – (laughter)
– So… so, we… (laughter) What do you call it?
What was I saying? The other night she goes,
“Why don’t we just eat?” – Yeah.
– “Why don’t we just eat?” – Oh, when that
report came out that the world
is ending in 2050– did you guys hear that?
– 20-what? – Climate scientologists–
Scientologists? (laughter) – Tom Cruise came out
with a report. (laughter) And said, “Give all
your money before…” – Climate scientists…
– (laughter) – Scientologists.
– Vishnu’s… or Xenu. – It’s ending in 2050,
and I was just like, let’s just start eating.
– 20-what? – 50. – Well, we’re gonna be dead
by then anyhow. – You will.
– That’s true. – Not me.
– 2015. (laughter) Oh, wait, that’s passed–
– Do we have to go break? – (laughter)
– No, okay, we’re good. Yeah, uh, I just, like,
what is it all for– – (Brendan) He’s a ghost.
– I love that she said that, ’cause I feel that way
so many times. It’s just like,
what is this all for? And you guys are married.
Like, who are you try– – Yeah, but I w–
– I am at least trying to get
a guy to marry me. – Easily. Please,
you’re a ten. – (sighs) Thank you.
– In the comedy world. – Exactly. No,
I’m a comedy nine. – You’re a comedy nine.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m definitely a comedy nine.
– No, but I wanna get to the point where
Bonnie and I look good enough to start maybe
kiss one more time. Just to kiss her again.
– To what? – (Rich) We don’t kiss.
– You wanna kiss? – Yeah, we don’t kiss.
Do you k– I mean, you’re not married.
– You guys don’t kiss? – Eww!
– I think you’re right. When I’ve been in…
– (laughter) – Kiss?
– What do you do? – I bang her from behind
and yell don’t turn around. – Yeah…
– See your dumb face and get soft, uh…
– (laughter) – No, we don’t kiss.
We stopped kissing. Shut up, you don’t know?
– Why? – No, I’ve talked
to Bonnie about this. She wants more kisses
and more affection. – You think so?
– Yes, yes. – I’m not affectionate.
I remember one time I rem– she was sick,
and remember when the phones had stylus? We’re laying in bed
and she didn’t feel good. And I’d rub my stylus
on her arm. – (laughter)
– From your palm pilot? – Yeah.
– Oh my God. – I go feel better?
– Oh my Gosh. – That is… guys… we like to be
touched so much. – You think I gotta…
– Touch her more. – I know.
– (stammering) It’s true. I-I think I’ve talked to her
about it too. Because, like, we just–
all women like to be touched way more than you guys
are touching us. – Yeah.
– And kisses, yeah. Just kiss her more.
– Yeah, when she met me, she was touched by an angel.
– Yeah. (laughter) – Do you guys hug?
– Angel’s her uncle’s name. – Do we what?
– Do you hug? – Do you call a headlock
a hug? (laughter) – Are you giving her noogies?
– Do we hug? She kisses me like
I’m her grandfather, and I kiss her like
she’s in a coffin. Like… (small peck)
“Bye”. – (laughter)
– Practicing. – No, I mean,
you know, lookit. You know what?
I’d rather– she makes me laugh
more than anybody. – Right.
– So, you know, no hug is gonna
come close to that. I mean, it will,
but li– my kids– I hug my kids all the time,
I’m an affectionate guy. – Yeah, yeah.
– I hug my kids. My daughter, I walked her
down the aisle Friday and I– – Oh, I know,
I saw the pictures. Congratulations.
– Thank you. And, you know, I guess
after 15 years together… you know, and plus,
we’re older. We’re not, you know–
you know what I mean? – Yeah, couples
that make out– – Yeah, I– we– did she ever
tell you that story on the comedy cruise? We’re sitting on
the comedy cruise, when the Cellar had ’em–
– Oh yeah. – And we– she goes,
“Let’s make out.” So we started making out
in front of everybody, right? So, like, two years later,
Amy goes, “Oh, God, “I wish I had
what you guys have. “You’re so much in love. You guys were making out
on the cruise.” – It was a bit.
– We go, “We were doing a bit!” (laughter) We were doing a bit.
The make out bit. – And every girl is looking
at that being like, “I wish I had that.”
– Yeah. – And it was just a bit.
Yeah, no, that’s what we want. I-I didn’t– in my
longest relationship, no kissing– I don’t think
I’ve ever made out for– there are some girls
that just make out and they don’t ever
do anything else with guys. – That’s funny that–
– Like Paris Hilton was in here and was like,
“All I do is make out. All I do is make out
and I don’t do anything else.” And I’m like,
how do you do that? – Louis doesn’t need
anything else. (laughter) You know what?
When Bonnie and I– when Bonnie and I first met, I would pick her up
at the airport. – Yeah.
– And we would make out. – Yes.
– And she was the best kisser. We would make ou–
– She still is, Rich. – Yeah, so why can’t you
get back to that? – So a lot of people
are telling me. – It’s funny to picture
Bonnie like, “I have to tell him it’s a bit
if he’s gonna kiss me.” – (Nikki) Yeah.
– Like, you have to do it as a bit.
– (laughter) – “Hey, you wanna
be real funny and show some affection
to me, please?” – I mean, yeah, that’s how I’ve
gotten it in certain ways, too. – What was your
longest relationship? – Uh, it’s still ongoing,
but it’s been like seven years. – That’s a–
– Yeah. – Seven years?
– Six– well, six years, sorry. Six and a half.
– And you’re back and forth with this person?
– Yeah, the past two we’ve been, like,
officially broken up, but we still bang, so…
– Oh. And we still talk.
– Do you kiss? – Uh, yeah. But not–
– Is it funny? – We’ve never just
made out, ever. We’ve never just, like,
sat on a couch and made out, and just, like,
kissed, kissed, kissed. There’s some people that
do that in relationships. – Yeah, ugh!
– I know, I don’t get it. – Maybe during commercial.
– But when we have s… no, not even,
I would love it. I would love to just make out. But, like, maybe I don’t. Maybe I wouldn’t because
why haven’t I had that, then? It’s too intimate.
– Yeah, but, it ca– you’re right, like– you know,
I used to argue about– on “Opie and Anthony”,
they’re some clowns that used to be…
– (laughter) – About gay– I go, it’s gayer–
this was my opinion– to make out with a guy
than perform oral– – That’s what I think.
– Oral sex. – (Ian) Yeah.
– Yeah. – Am I allowed to curse?
– Yes, yes. To blow a guy.
– I think it’s gayer to– to make out than blow. ‘Cause when you ga–
when you make out, you’re showing affection.
– Yep. – When you’re blowing a guy,
you’re just mad at your parents. (laughter) – You can’t make eye c–
you can’t make eye contact through a hole in the wall.
– Yeah! (laughter) – I have a portable
glory hole in my car. – Rich is folding it up next to his merch table
after a show. – Yeah, I put it
by the window and go, “Hey, who’s this?”
– (laughter) – I was, you know,
there’s a booker in town that runs a comed–
that’s gay. – Mm-hmm.
– And I used to be scared that I would go
to a glory hole, and– – And…
– That’s why I brought my calendar with me. (laughter) – Just in case. – Yeah, kissing
is so intimate. And– and it’s funny
that it goes aw– it’s the first thing you do
in a relationship. But it’s– once you get
comfortable with someone and it’s like, this–
we’re in a relationship, it’s the first thing to go.
– I like it so much. – I do like kissing.
I don’t like seeing people or hearing it, that…
(smacking lips) – Oh yeah, seeing people kiss
is disgusting. – Yeah, wh– oh, I bet you
that’s Bonnie now calling me. No, it’s Bobby Kelly, ugh. How’d he get my number? Uh…
– Brag. – I know! Oh, boy.
(laughter) Uh, yeah, whatever– – When you’re kissing,
do you have to stop and, like, make jokes? – He doesn’t kiss,
they don’t kiss. – We don’t kiss, do I–
– (Ian) At all? – What about when you go o–
– Wait, is he my mother? “Do you stop and make jokes?”
– Do you stop? – Sometimes, yeah.
– No. Oh, you’re only with a comic, right?
– No, no, no. No, she’s a teacher.
– You’re– you’re dati– oh. – A regular gal, yeah. – And what kinda jokes
do you make? – Like, uh, we were–
we were… – “A man walks into a bar…”
(makes kissing sounds) – “Knock, knock.
Who’s there? My penis.” – Well, no, no, I–
– No, we were making out and I go,
“You’re my girl, Jenny.” – (laughter)
– That’s good. – I’ve made out and then
pulled away and go, “Oh, well you kiss just like
my, you know, whatever.” – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Some dumb joke. I think that was even on… “Home Vacation 2”. You know, you say, you kiss like
my father or uncle or something. I don’t know.
– You know, I-I recently– and I think I’ve already
told this before. But I was recently, um,
with my ex or whatever, and he was leaving for work
and I go, can I have a kiss goodbye? And he just kinda
comes up and he goes like, “Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!” Like, he did,
like, a jokey kiss because we can’t
be intimate and real. – Yeah.
– And it was just like, “Mwah, mwah, mwah”
And I was just like, no, no, I don’t want that. You give me
a real fuckin’ kiss. And then he did, and it was
the hottest thing ever. – Ooh!
– It was so good. So I think we just need
to start demanding this from men who are scared to be
intimate with us. – But I think we– as comics,
we’re all scared to be intimate. We can be vulnerable
and intimate on stage, but then in our personal life,
we’re like, ugh! – No, we can’t be vulnerable
and intimate on stage. We are, but it’s
all couched with jokes. – Yeah.
– There’s no– we don’t all “Nanette” up there.
– That’s a good point. – None of us do.
– When I was in rehab, they say you’re not
allowed to be funny ’cause it’s just a mask.
– It is. – They told me, you know,
it’s just covering– – Are you still in rehab?
– (laughter) – Oh, that was– hey, look,
and they laugh together like a little comedy team.
Look at this! Hey– on the way out
in the elevator, “That was a good one!”
“Hey, you weren’t bad either. Maybe I can get you
back on again.” Shut up, you two giggling–
you giggling hacks. (laughter)
You two stink! – Giggling hacks?
That’s a good name. – That could be your tour.
“Giggling Hacks”. (Ian)
The Giggling Hack Tour. – God, Rich,
you just nailed it. – You’re the funniest.
– N– now when they go down in the elevator, they’re gonna
be in dead silence ’cause they’re not
gonna be able to say what they really wanna say,
which is, “You were great.” – I go up to the 40th floor
not to go down with him. – God, you just took
from them their one little moment together that they’re not gonna be able
to have now, I love it. Rich Vos, thank you
for being here. – Andrew.
– Yeah, what’s up? – What did my mom write
on your Instagram? – Oh, so I wrote–
I just put up a picture with me
and my girlfriend and, uh, I wrote that
my girlfriend was on the phone
with the landlord. And she goes, “You sure
it was the landlord?” Like, implying that my girlfriend
was cheating on me. And I go, yeah,
maybe it was EJ. That’s what I wrote back.
– Oh! (laughter) – So we were going at it–
– Yeah. – So yeah, Jules… ♪♪ – You glossed over
something before– – Girlfriend?
– Yeah. – Yeah. I said it. America, I said it.
– No, no one was waiting for– – She’s my girlfriend,
okay, America? Have you guys, like,
officially talked about that? Or– th– the announcement
happened on Instagram. I wasn’t wrong
about that, right? – No, which one, though?
I put up thr– – The first one, the first one.
– Yes, the first one. – Where you said “girlfriend”.
– Yes. – You established
the relationship on Instagram. You had not talked about, like,
“You’re my girlfriend and I’m gonna post this.”
– No. – She just read that
and was like, “I guess I’m his girlfriend.”
– Mm-hmm, pretty much. – Okay.
– We haven’t had a talk yet. But it’s implied.
– But it’s implied. – I introduced her to my brother
yest– this weekend. – Your “brudder”?
– My “brur”. – Your “brudder” met
your “gir-friend”? – My “brudder” met
my “gir-friend” down there by the canteen.
– And, uh, how was that? – It was good, man.
I never taken a girl home before,
you know that. – Well, your brother’s house
isn’t “home”. – No, it’s a big hou–
it’s a mansion. – Yeah.
– It’s a mansion. I drove her around
in a Range Rover. I looked so hot, you know?
In a Range… – Wait, what?
– Yeah, my brother has– – You looked hot?
Did someone say that to you? Or you just thought it?
Or you… – We pretended,
we kinda role-played that it was my Range Rover.
(laughter) – Oh my God, you p– you role-played that you have,
like, a steady income? – (laughter)
– Oh, God. – That’s why I bought
the new shoes. To sell it, to really s–
– Did you guys, like, get– did she get, like,
horny thinking about you having an actual job?
– Probably. – Yeah, like, did you kind of…
– Yeah. – …like, turn her on?
– I think whenever… – By being like–
talking about a 401k or… – Oh yeah.
No, they got along well. We pretended that it was
my Range Rover, which was hot. We had a good dinner.
I don’t know, it was just chill. She met my nephews.
She met Hubert, the dog. The Italian Spinone.
They got along really well. And, um, yeah,
it was just fun. I didn’t– we didn’t have sex, I couldn’t get hard
on Saturday night, and that was a problem.
– What happened? – You know what it is,
when you spend that mu– it’s like, I took you around
in a Range Rover, I gotta get hard too? You can’t have them both. (laughter) Can’t have everything. – Wait, where’d you take her
around in a Range Rover? – We went down to the beach.
– That’s not, like, a gift for a woman,
to drive in a car. We can just call an Uber. – I don’t know,
the Range is pretty dope. – Okay, an Uber XL. If you liked this clip from
“You Up with Nikki Glaser”, please share it
with your friends, get the word out,
it means a lot to us. – Both of us. – Yeah, I g– it doesn’t– does it really mean
something to you? – This is the best day
of my life. – Tha– I don’t disagree
with you that this is peaking for you.