Are you Graham? – Yes.
– What do you want? – To escape. I imagine we both would.
– I’m perfectly free. You have no money. Have YOU? I intend getting some. Right. Strongroom, Mr Graham. Mr Thompson is here for a cash inspection. – Come and collect the key.
– Right away, sir. Morning, Miss Marsh. A welcome visitor! Pay day. I’m the most popular girl in the bank on salary day! I don’t want to hurry you, but I have an appointment in 20 minutes. Do you usually conduct your business in museums… or are you kinky about old iron? My office is being redecorated. What a dreadful tie. A present from an admirer. – Good morning.
– Hello. Please sit down. Mr Graham, I am quite frightened to come and see you again. What’s the trouble? Naturally, we’ll help if we can. Money, really. – You have a balance of nearly ¡ê100.
– You see? As good as nothing. I must be absolutely your most troublesome customer, Mr Graham. I need an overdraft of ¡ê500, if you could possibly be so kind. ¡ê500? That’s rather a lot. What security can you offer? This very kind tax gentleman give me, um… A rebate. …as my father’s allowance comes from Switzerland, or something. May I ask for what purpose you require the loan? My mother is not well, and she misses me greatly. I should go to Zurich and visit her. Couldn’t you ask your father to advance you the money? Oh, no. Mr. Graham. My parents are divorced. It’s very sad. Also, my father is strict. He always says that Nick, my husband, should provide for me. He doesn’t? Nick’s generous when he HAS money, but that’s not very often. I see. Would you mind? No. – You must try to live within your means.
– I do try, but money’s for spending, isn’t it, Mr Graham? If you have it. You must not take unnecessary risks. I never take risks. If we can see our way to helping you, when could you repay the loan? Soon. A month? Perhaps we’d better say two months. Mr Graham, you’re so kind. Could we say ¡ê600? – No, let’s say ¡ê500.
– But I need some new clothes! It doesn’t look as if you do. No, let’s say ¡ê500. And please don’t let me down. I shall expect you to be in credit two months from now. Thank you very much, Mr Graham. I’ll honestly try to be sensible. I’m glad to hear it. You aren’t angry with me, are you, Mr Graham? For asking the extra ¡ê100? You aren’t angry with ME for refusing it, are you? Nick, I’m back! Anything in the mail? A great deal. – Bills, bills, bills!
– Lucky the house is in the family! – Hello, Nanny.
– He say he won’t be back tonight. But, Nanny, he was taking me out for dinner! Well, he’s changed his mind. It’s been cut off. The telephone company’s absolutely irresponsible. – I couldn’t telephone the grocer.
– Then we have no dinner! Pardon. – I’m sure we paid the telephone bill.
– They didn’t! Oh, Nanny, why don’t you clean this bloody room?! I do my best. And now I can’t find someone to take me out for dinner. Oh, yes, I can. – Good night.
– Good night, sir. Yoo-hoo! Hello! Mr Graham! Good evening. Mr Graham! Hello, Mr Graham. Good evening. Do you like it? – Yes, very nice. Have you had it long?
– Not exactly. If you had let me have the extra ¡ê100, I could have had a hard top, whitewall tyres and all sorts of delicious things. You spent the ¡ê500 on this?! Oh, no. The deposit was only ¡ê500. I had to buy clothes. Do you like my suit? And Switzerland? My mother is much better. Mr Graham, you are the kindest bank manager… – DEPUTY bank manager.
– Well, whatever… not to be angry. You planned this? You are very kind only to laugh. As a reward, you shall have a ride in my lovely new car. – YOUR car?!
– Well, OUR car. Come along, we’ll drive to the country and you shall take me to dinner. I can’t afford it. How about a picnic? Isn’t this a strange, pretty place? Where’s your husband? I’m the last to know. Is that the reason you came to the bank this evening? For many reasons. And it’s time well-spent in aid of your overdraft? Mr Graham, you’re the first kind man I’ve known. Wouldn’t it be more flattering to call me by my Christian name? No! I like Mr Graham. It sounds like you. Kind and reliable. Nick, my husband, is beautiful, charming and so sexy! – But not kind. Not kind at all.
– I’m sorry. You see, all my boyfriends have been super-attractive. But absolute bastards. I don’t think a man can keep me if I’m very sure of him. The children of broken marriages are often unsettled… – maybe that’s the problem.
– My parents are devoted! This morning, you told me they were divorced! Or is that only when you need an overdraft? You’ve caught me, Mr Graham. I was hoping you’d be consistent. Why? Both my parents are dead. – Do you live alone?
– I’m not married. Are you queer or divorced? Neither! Neither?! My first boyfriend was married. He was the worst. My parents send me to England to escape one bastard– oops, I marry another! He still phones and writes, asking me to leave Nick and come back to Switzerland. Is that what you want? How can I know? What I need is an attentive lover, very rich, who adores me, who will not be cross if I’m a LITTLE bit unfaithful sometimes. – Your husband sounds ideal.
– But he has no money. Oh. Then you have a difficult problem. Not so very difficult. You see, in my heart, I’m a very faithful woman. Uh… when your husband is away again… – shall we meet?
– We have a date at the bank. That’s not for two months! Maybe we can be… useful to each other before then. I hope so. Here’s a present. I bought it for Nick, but he doesn’t deserve it. – What a dreadful tie!
– It’s a present from an admirer. I want to discuss a business proposition. May I check my facts? You ARE an earl? Isn’t that obvious? I’ve never met one. I shouldn’t draw any conclusions. I’m unusual… – even among my fellow peers.
– Yes. – You left Eton AND Oxford prematurely.
– I was bored. – You don’t sound like an Etonian.
– How would YOU know? Nowadays, only car salesmen sound like Etonians. We new Etonians cultivate a slight cockney accent… MATE. I understand that, apart from your title, you inherited little else. A taste for the best with no means to provide for it. You have your London house, a few hundred a year… and four guineas expenses when you visit the House of Lords. I look in most days… It’s pocket money and a place to relax. Are you clever or just crooked? I am shocked, Mr Graham! In all sincerity… shocked. Why should a dependable man like you want to leave the bank? Yes. Why, Mr Graham? With respect… why? I know it’s difficult to understand. I came straight to the bank from school. And, apart from National Service in the Army, I’ve done nothing else. Two years seeing the world! In Hounslow. One mile from where I’ve lived all my life. Security, Mr Graham. To be honest, your wife and children… I’m not married. – Ah. Not married. Of course!
– I’ve never been able to afford it. I’ve had to support my parents. Your parents? I thought they were dead. Why did you think that, Mr Williams? I’ve always wanted an outdoor life, really. Confidentially… with your record, you’ll soon have your own branch. In the country, perhaps. Yes! A bit of gardening, golf… You PLAY golf? It’s not quite what I had in mind. – But your pension!
– I thought Canada, Australia… With my savings, a small farm perhaps. My parents could join me. Last night, I had a simple meal in the country with a friend. A picnic, in fact. I realised then that the time had come to make the decision. Well… it’s your life, Mr Graham. But sleep on it. With respect, sleep on it. – It’s in your best interests.
– I’m quite sure. You’ll see I’ve given 12 months’ notice. I’ve not acted hastily. The last thing I want to do is upset the bank. There are lots of things to arrange before I leave. Forgive me for being personal, but I believe your interests are limited to your appearance… …and fornication. Is there anything else?! Money. In so far as it allows me to pursue my interests more vigorously. You are, by nature, intelligent, extravagant, immoral… and charming. Ideal qualifications for business, I would have thought. Particularly if it’s dishonest business. Very well, Mr Graham. So be it. I’m sure you have our best wishes for the future, from all of us here at the National Metropolitan Bank. Thank you. You’ve only just caught him. He’ll go home any minute now. Oh, I see. What’s it today? Tomorrow. Championship golf tournament up in Scotland. Hmm. That accounts for it. I believe I may be coming down with flu. Perhaps you ought to go home to bed, Mr Williams. Yes, I thought so. After all, one has a duty to the staff. I doubt you could offer me sufficient financial inducement to exert myself. Besides, I usually go skiing in February. IF you can afford it. It was a bizarre place to meet, very amusing. Good day. There is SOMETHING I forgot. My credentials. I’d pay you a weekly retainer. ¡ê20 thousand. You must do a few things beforehand. That would be a small but effective way to inspire my loyalty. – There’s a lot more to come.
– How much more? ¡ê100,000 each. Is it legal? – I’m an honest man, Graham.
– I don’t believe there IS such a thing. The mistake is to believe in the honesty of others. Mr Graham! Yoo-hoo! You’re late. – Hardly at all!
– Nearly an hour. – I was at the hairdresser.
– What about your overdraft? Mr Graham, you’re not going to be unkind to me? Well, you know it was due yesterday. – You can’t make me pay it back.
– I certainly can! Then why did you tell me to meet you here instead of the bank? Well, let’s discuss it over dinner. – Coffee.
– Thank you. – This is a very comfortable room.
– It’s filthy. Nanny never cleans it. Nanny? I sent her to bed with a bottle of gin. We won’t see her until tomorrow. That gives us a chance to talk. I hope so. I mean about your overdraft. Not a week, not a day more. You’re being cruel. I’m interested to see how you react in a crisis. – Why?
– It’s my job. – Do you like it?
– No. Then why don’t you change it? A man should work at something he enjoys so much that money is unimportant. If he doesn’t enjoy it, he should be earning a fortune. I’m poor AND bored, and I envy my rich customers. It’s not right that anyone as nice as you should be so lonely. I’m not as nice, I’m afraid, but I’m also very lonely, Mr Graham. I’d be lonelier still if I were dismissed from the bank… before I’m ready. – Then we need some money.
– YOU need money. Why don’t you steal some for both of us? Just a little. I’m going to steal the lot. Mr Graham! I’ve been looking for helpers. – How many?
– One man… One woman. Breakfast, Mr Graham! Mmm! It’s nice, isn’t it? But it always makes me absolutely hungry. You are a big surprise to me, Mr Graham. Thank you. It excites me that you’re so determined. What a pity that it would not be sensible to fall in love with you. Not yet. Why did you go to bed with me? I must have wanted to. How shall we rob the bank? We are going to rob a bank. Splendid. Mine, I hope. You’ve no objections? How do you think we became earls in the first place? How does it feel to be a criminal? I’m not! Not before I do a crime! Not afterwards either, unless they catch me. They won’t, will they, Mr Graham? My plan is absolutely foolproof… if you do as you’re told. For ¡ê100,000, I suppose I can stifle my natural distaste for taking orders. How did you pick me? I’ve heard a lot about you. What about the third person? … We must find a third partner. We must find a man. … A girl, someone reliable. But dishonest, like us. Dishonest, but trustworthy. I don’t know any men. What about Nick? I know – my wife. She’s ideal. Keep the money in the family. He thinks laws are for others. He’s desperate for money. She’s very loyal, especially if you consider my wide outside interests. Nick is the right one, you’ll see. Let me try him. No, no, no. When I’m ready, then I’LL meet your husband. We must wait a few weeks. I’ll let you know when you can sound her out. Afterwards, you must tell me… all that he’s told you that I’ve told him. Why? I must check he told you the right story I have to trust you both completely. Oh, how complicated! You must be careful to always tell the truth. YOU must be careful. Goodbye. No smoking here, sir. I’m afraid the fourth earl will have to go. Pity. This is the last valuable picture. Port’s come along well. We ought to order another five dozen. Then I suppose we’ll have to start selling the furniture. Though it won’t fetch much. When there’s nothing left to sell, all that remains… is for me to find the method of putting myself out of reach of my creditors. How awful for you to have to live without me. Shouldn’t we increase your life insurance? YOU could spend a little less on clothes! I will if YOU will. There’s one last chance. I’ve worked out a way to make a lot of money. – Nick, how wonderful!
– It isn’t altogether legal. You might even call it criminal. You’d be right. I’m not shocked. I am going to rob a bank. – What made you think of that?
– Can’t tell you yet – secrecy’s vital. All by yourself? I selected an accomplice. Boring little man, but he’ll follow my orders. – Who is he?
– That’s unimportant. I should expect your help. – You mean, to be a criminal?
– Don’t be common, Britt. I’m your wife. – I’ll do whatever you say.
– I knew you would. Beautiful Nick… you are so clever. I know. You might have told me that you met my husband. I thought he’d decided to take up crime on his own! – Tell me exactly what he said.
– Nothing. He didn’t tell you he was going to rob a bank? Oh, no, Mr Graham. He just said he was going to do something a little bit naughty. Did he tell you about me? Not a word. He made like he was going to do it all by himself. Do what? Get some money! And you were to help him? Well, I’m his wife. Are you going to let him help YOU? I’ll see. Mr Graham, it’s Nick! What shall we do?… Look the other way! It’s all right. I told him to meet us here.Afternoon, ladies, gentlemen. I should like to make your journey more enjoyable…by pointing out some of the places and also the items of interest.This service is given entirely voluntarily,and should you care to show your appreciation, you will be able to…I didn’t know you’d been introduced. I took the liberty of phoning Lady Dorset in view of your suggestion. Very excellent judgement on your part.…In the Gothic style, and known the world over as the Mother of Parliaments.You are all familiar with Big Ben…The Palace of Westminster contains the Houses of Commons and House of Lords.You choose the most tiresome places to meet. It’s freezing. It’s spring!We are now moving upstream under Westminster Bridge…as we turn the vessel downstream on our way to the Tower of…Now that we have the right people, we can go ahead with my plan. Mr Graham, what a lovely surprise! I decided this after careful thought, in view of Graham’s knowledge. I don’t mind him taking charge at this stage. Thank you. You each have preparatory tasks, and we need working capital. Don’t ask ME for money! I want you to grow a moustache. That’s a joke in extremely bad taste. – Oh, I’m serious.
– Good God! Well, will you, or not? I suppose for ¡ê100,000, even that sacrifice is worthwhile. Your husband has allowed me to finance the plan. I’ve cashed in my savings. Britt… – You don’t mind if I call you Britt?
– Oh, no. There’s ¡ê50. Take it. There are furnished flats for rent at 12 Grosvenor Crescent. Take one. What for? It will look suspicious if you rent and don’t live there. You’ll have to move in. I’m particular about my surroundings. I hope it will be suitable. Are you going to or not? After all, you HAVE put me in charge. I suggest we…. discuss the plan in detail. It’ll be easier for Britt if she understands. Do YOU understand it? Of course. But I’d like Graham to go through it with you. Well… I’ll brief you at the last moment, so we can’t give anything away. I’d prefer to know what I’m letting myself in for. – I thought you knew!
– Not the boring details. You’ll have to trust me. That’s very wise, Mr Graham. I’ve always found him more intelligent than he looks. Air tickets for your first task. You’ll find full instructions inside. Your part of the plan is going to involve a good deal of travelling. I think the moustache suits you. Now, you’re quite clear? Yes, yes, the tweed suit from Gloucester, the dreadful clothes from Manchester. – Why can’t I use my London tailor?
– One can’t be too careful. It’s an ordeal to wear clothes made by a stranger. They have your measurements. Tell them you’re Mr Vickers. They’d better fit! They will. Britt is away again. Never said where. Most inconvenient. – Is she on our business?
– Of course. I’m sure her journey’s as unnecessary as mine. I didn’t think you minded the odd day apart. I’m lost without her. Without Nanny, there’s no-one to make my bed. You can’t have your nanny in the apartment! I’ll brief you when you get back. – I’ll call you tomorrow.
– About time, too! Now, I must go. I’ve got an appointment. Come on, get on the train! Come along!The train arriving at Platform 7 is from Plymouth and Exeter.The train arriving at Platform 7 is from Plymouth and Exeter.Whoo! Very good, Britt. Just what I wanted. Take this to the bank and ask them to keep it safe in the strongroom. After work, I shall be round. I have things to do to the box, and some matters to discuss with you. – But Nick might be there!
– Oh, he just left. For Gloucester. Are you in love with me, Mr Graham? I won’t know till we finish the job. Then we will go away together, won’t we, Mr Graham? Somewhere beautiful like this, where we can share an open-air life together. Well, perhaps an apartment in Monte Carlo. I loathe the country. I’m sure you said you wanted to buy a farm! That was before we went to bed together. It must sound very respectable. Do you still sleep with Nick? Mr Graham! Why would you think of such a thing? Oh, no, since we met… Don’t you believe me? Yes, of course I believe you. I know we’re perfectly honest with each other now, aren’t we? You must trust me. I trust YOU. Nick and I don’t even sleep in the same bed. Oh, you’re back! How nice! How was Manchester? Did you have a lovely trip? Totally unnecessary, like all the others. Do you realise I’ve done nothing but travel for the past six weeks? I didn’t realise people WENT in trains. You can’t believe how sordid they are. – What time is it?
– Just after 9.00. Oh, God, this is a squalid dump! Let’s go home for a few days. – No, we mustn’t!
– Nobody tells me I mustn’t. Mr Graham wouldn’t like it. You sometimes reveal a revoltingly servile streak. Very vulgar. Something to do with being a foreigner, I suppose. I want the money. What does Graham DO? Who is he? Don’t you think curiosity is vulgar? I get back and he sends me off again. Why go to Amsterdam to buy a wig?! – Where did you go before Manchester?
– Gloucester. The hardest thing to bear is this dreadful moustache. – I shall cut it off.
– You mustn’t! I must make a gesture of independence. Come to bed! Come to bed. No. I want breakfast first. – Come to bed. I want you!
– I’m exhausted. If I have to travel again, I won’t be able to manage it. I think it’ll be good for you to travel. Mr Graham? Mr Graham! Mr Graham…! – What is it? What happened?
– You were calling out in your sleep. A man’s name. Who? What did I say? Your taste isn’t impeccable, but it’s not that bad. You said, “Mr Graham.” So I haven’t given myself away, then? Adultery is usually on Christian-name terms. But you’re too greedy and beautiful to be anything so boring as a faithful wife. – Would you like me to be?
– Not particularly. I’m not as interested in other ladies as I was. Perhaps I should see my doctor. Once we have the money, we only need each other. A mere ¡ê20 a week won’t completely alter my sexual habits! – It’s a beginning.
– Perhaps you ought to take a lover. – How do you know I haven’t?
– What did you do last night? Went to bed early. Wake up. Britt! Good morning, this is Britt. Oh, it is? That’s very kind of you. Thank you. Bye-bye. Who was it? – The operator. Alarm call.
– Come on, wake up. Better get back to the apartment. Nick will be back from Manchester. Come on. Oh, we have plenty of time! Mr. Graham, you’re nearly a saint. You’re so generous letting Nick have the same share as you. It’s not fair, but it’s wiser. Lucky we won’t have to trust him with the money. Don’t worry. You and Nick will take the money together to Switzerland. I don’t want to go with him. Can’t we take it? At one time, we will look after ALL the money. His share, too. Are you suggesting something? Oh, no! That would be stealing! It’s Nick! It can’t be! – It’s him!
– His train isn’t in yet! Not Nick – the boy I was with in Switzerland! I told you he wants me back! What’s he doing here? He never came to London before. How can he be so stupid as to come to the house? – Does he know Nick is away?
– How COULD he have known? Mr Graham… Oh, Britt, stop! Britt, stop it! Britt, it’s after 8.00! He is still there! You’ve got to get back to the apartment for Nick! I’m late for the bank. I know what… Let’s get out the window. – Whee!
– Here. Hup, hup, hup! What, her old man catch you at it, then? Come on! Come on! Taxi! Grosvenor Crescent. Hey! Watch it, will you? Oi, why don’t you watch out where you’re going? Didn’t you see me coming down there? – …watch your own bleedin’ business!
– Whadya mean mind my own business? You nearly killed me! – I never touched ya!
– Oh, get out of it…! You taxi drivers are all the same. Think you own the flippin’ roads! Sorry, mate. Did you see that? Did you? Learn how to ride a bike! I’m gonna tell the Post Office about you! Silly bleeder! I think Mr Graham is very clever. He’s a dreary little man. It’s time I taught him a lesson. No, no! Britt! Miss Welsh? Mr Graham. I’m just going out of the office for two or three minutes. Thank you. – Hello?
– Hello, Britt. I’m coming over in my lunch hour to talk. Please make sure Nick is there. Oh, yes, he’s here. Nick! Nick, wake up! Mr Graham is coming over. – Why?
– Perhaps he’s going to tell us the plan! About time, too. – Quick, quick, get dressed!
– What for? He mustn’t find us in bed! Even Graham must realise that married people sleep together. I don’t want him seeing us like this! We’re partners, aren’t we? Have a good lunch! Right, Graham. we’re on to you! You what? Cut us in or we’ll talk to the police. We’re not greedy – we’ll settle for half. Oh, Christ! You… you… you stupid BASTARD! You… you big twit! I’m tired of your ridiculous posturing. Shut up, Graham. where’s your sense of humour? – What is it? What happened?
– Your husband! I’m… I’m fed up of his childish pranks. I’m finished. Childish?! What about him? Wigs from Amsterdam! Stop it, both of you! Don’t just stand there… go after him! Please, Mr Graham, he didn’t mean it! The strain… it’s worse for him! Oh, please! He will be good! He had a big fright now! The money… Can’t I have the money? I WANT MY MONEY! I’m absolutely angry with you. Oh, shut up, Britt! – Go to bed, Nanny!
– I only just got up. – GO TO BED!
– You’re bellowing like a fishwife. Now look what you’ve made me do! You’ve made him stop the plan! I’m finished with you! Come on, Britt, I’ll get some money. I met a man from the Bahamas. He wants to name a chain of restaurants after me. The Earl of Dorset. – Oh, Nick, you’re hopeless!
– He’ll get over it. He won’t! He wouldn’t even listen! Try again. Ask him if he’ll see you. Tell him that if he doesn’t go ahead with the plan, I’ll start talking… – to the cops.
– Blackmail! – You pig!
– Go on. Nanny. So difficult sometimes. There… There’s a big boy, then! Don’t you see? You’re sending me away from you. Hey! What are you doing? Oh, Mr Graham, please… Don’t you know I love you? I need you so much! I do realise THAT. How can we be together without the money? I apologise about Nick. It’s just the way he’s made. I’m afraid he doesn’t deserve all that money. I’m not going to trust him with it. Not now. Listen, Britt, whatever I tell you in front of Nick, afterwards, when you leave the bank with the money, go to the airport, you go to the Pan Am desk, not BOAC. Are we going to cheat Nick of the money? Yes. Britt has transfered her account there. Clever girl. I never did find out where she banked. There’s ¡ê300,000… …here. Cashier’s reserve. Kept in case of unexpectedly high demands on cash. Such an amount is subject to frequent checks by Head Office. Nick will pose as an inspector. – A bank clerk – me? Most improbable.
– Ssh! Britt and I will get you into the bank. Who takes the money out? Britt. Where do YOU come into it? I work there. You never told me that! Here… everything down to the minutest detail, carefully timed. Practise till you know it backwards. The plan depends on Nick having three different disguises – two wigs, and his own hair, which must be cut and dyed on the day. Two hours after you enter the bank, you two will be on a BOAC plane to Zurich. – BOAC doesn’t fly to Zurich!
– It does. It’s the first stop… on the way to Beirut, Delhi, Bangkok and Hong Kong. We can only do it if Williams, the manager, is out. A few weekends between May and September, he leaves work early on a Friday. He’s a golf addict. Before an inspection, Head Office rings the manager on the GPO line. To ensure the call is genuine, the manager checks with the Head Office. If Williams is away, Smith checks. This gives us our chance. He is less familiar… with the men at Head Office. We will intercept the call. There are advantages to glass offices! Inspection only take place when the bank is close. The guard admits an inspector when he shows his authority. We hold a blank duplicate for reference. I shall fill it in for Nick on the day. I can’t do it before, as Head Office changes the TYPE of authority quite often. Inspectors are senior staff waiting to go to new appointments. Therefore, they are not necessarily known by sight. A senior staff member must go with him to the strongroom, Smith, Williams or myself. I frequently stand in for Williams – he’s a lazy bastard. Two different keys are needed for the safe. Williams holds one, Smith the other. Duplicates of the keys are kept at Head Office. The inspector brings one of them. We don’t know which until he arrives. If Williams is away, it’s possible that Nick can get Williams’ key and pair it with Smith’s. How the hell do I get the key? I have it when he’s away from work. I AM the deputy bank manager. I’ll join you in Switzerland on Saturday morning. I’ll change the money and divide it, and be back in the bank on Monday as usual. From now on, you two have to be up and ready… at 9.00 A.M. every Friday morning. Oh…! Eight Fridays, we’ve got up virtually in the middle of the night. I don’t believe Perfect Friday will ever come. You say that every week! I think we’re being incredibly naive. When have we ever been naive?! Huh! Mr Williams has a bad cold. He feels he ought to go home to bed. 10:20… that’s earlier than usual. The golf tournament’s in Lancashire. He’s got a long drive. Why did we believe Graham? We must be mad. I don’t think he works for that bank. He does! I’ve seen him there. When did you first meet him? That could be the signal! It IS the signal. “Head Office here, Mortimer, security section. Would you mind holding on?” Oh, it’s like having an arm amputated! – Careful! Mind my eyes!
– Think of the money. Here… you’d better take these. Where are we going? – Rio.
– Rio? That’s right. You pick me up with the money, as Graham said. Instead of getting the BOAC plane to Zurich, you and I are going to Rio. You are a divine bastard! Oh, I forgot the moustache! Mr. Graham, a Lady Dorset called. They will keep their appointment. Thank you, Janet. Wait! Yes… Everything’s ready. It’s on! My husband and I have an appointment with Mr. Graham. I’m afraid we’re a little late. He’ll be along in a minute. It’s alright, Milady, I don’t lock up until after 3:30. Good! Will it be alright? Of course it will. Keep calm or you’ll ruin everything. Nick should phone in a few seconds. Oh, my God! Don’t look round. He’s turned up without telephoning first! Oh, Christ! It’s Thompson! A real inspector! – Hello?
– Oh, Janet? Mr Smith is busy for now. I’ll take his calls. Mr Graham’s taking Mr Smith’s calls. I’m putting you through. Graham? Mr Graham? – MR. GRAHAM! Mr. Graham, are you there?
– Graham here. Our clients aren’t able to complete today. Expect further instructions tomorrow. Yes. Thank God it was Nick. Now, Britt, you go back to the apartment. I’ll see you there at 3.00 tomorrow. Hello, Mr Graham. Put your wig on, Nick. You’re still working for me. I refuse. Come on, darling, you never liked short hair. – Well, I like it now!
– I order you to wear that wig! Mind your tongue, Graham, you’re lucky to have me. – Your plan was foolproof, remember?
– I’m sick of your aristocratic crap! I see. Well, in that case, I suggest you get someone else to do your dirty work. Come on, Britt, we’re not living here any longer. Nick, no! – Shall I run after him?
– NO! No, he’ll get over it. My plan is beginning to go wrong. Britt… you’re going to have to make Nick feel confident again. I’m afraid you’ll have plenty of time. We can’t expect Williams to oblige TWO Fridays running. I only hope we can hold things together long enough. We must! I don’t want to be without you. Britt… you’d better lock the door. We’ll have a nice afternoon, and stupid Mr Williams is watching golf in the rain! Hope he catches pneumonia. Oh, Monday morning blues, Mr Graham? Will you see the directors from Domestic Appliances at 12.00? Mr Smith feels he has too much to do already. They’re Mr Williams’ clients. It’s unlike him. It was very wet on Saturday. He caught a cold, a REAL cold! You can see he isn’t in. I thought he had an outside appointment… I have cancelled it. No-one can help being ill! When did you know he wasn’t coming in? Only an hour ago. His wife phoned. Thank you, Miss Welsh. I have to go out for an appointment. I’ll be back in time to cope. – Thanks, Mr. Graham. I like your tie.
– Yeah. My mother gave it me. Hello? I can’t find my credit cards! Have you seen my wallet? – A person to speak to you, m’lady.
– I’m very late! Make up some excuse! – I should say so.
– HELLO? No need to shout. – Mr Graham?
– Hello?! – Mr Too-big-for-your-boots!
– I’ll take it! Hello, Britt, why don’t you answer your phone? Look, we have to do it today. Williams is away sick. Where’s Nick? House of Lords, he went there to sulk! Oh! Could you give this message to Lord Dorset?Effluence and discharges, which did not come within the control of the 1951 Act,they pre-existed that legislation, should now be dealt with in the same way as recent ones.But on the other hand, I know and hope the noble lord will be able to make this perfectly clear,when he comes to reply, that picking up older effluence and discharges,which are produced, and can, at the present time, be controlled…under the 1951 Act…could be continued unabated.The non-classifiable…Dear Mr Williams, I shall not be at work tomorrow.I’m sorry it’s short notice, but I’ve had a lot of pain.My dentist thinks I’ll need to spend a day in bed.The gums should have been fixed years ago.I’ll be back at work on Wednesday morning.– The tickets!
– Don’t worry, I’ll get more. – Where to?
– Qantas this time. You can’t go to Rio on a Monday. We’re going to Fiji. Fiji? The flight to Honolulu last Friday, I had to cancel… Yes, Will you… can you get me on a plane today please. 70 seconds, starting from… NOW! Good luck! Head Office here. Mortimer, Security Section. Would you mind holding a moment please? Thank you. Thank you. Please sit down. Nick is ready. Mr Williams, please. Mr Williams is away, ill. Mr Smith is taking his calls. I’m sorry to hear that, may I speak to Mr Smith? – Yes?
– Hello, Smith? We’re sending over a new inspector, a Mr Edwards. Edwards, yes, I’ve got that. I’ll call back on the direct line. Head Office, Security, Mr Mortimer. Who’s speaking please? Smith here, Grosvenor Crescent branch. Confirmation for Mr Edwards, please. Mr Mortimer is on the other line, will you hold, Mr. Smith? He won’t be long, thank you. Sorry to keep you waiting. I didn’t know we had foreign young ladies at head office. Miss Barton’s on holiday, I’m her standin. Part of the Commen Market, are you? I’m from Jamaica, Mr Smith. Here’s Nick. – Thank you.
– Please come in. – Good afternoon.
– Darling… Mortimer here, Security. Sorry to keep you. Smith, Grosvenor Crescent branch. Confirmation on Mr Edwards. – Height, six foot.
– Height, six foot. – Age, 39.
– Age, 39. Eyes, blue. – Hair, brown.
– Hair, brown. Black coat and striped trousers. Glasses. Authority to inspect, number 97. Two inspections in four days? Can’t be too careful. One of these days we might decide to investigate you, Mr. Smith. Mr Edwards will be with you in 10 minutes, goodbye. Thank you very much. Good afternoon. – Googbye Mr Graham.
– Goodbye Ma’am. – Goodbye.
– Goodbye, sir. Thank you, sir. – Good afternoon, sir.
– Good afternoon. – Inspection.
– Yes, sir. Oh, Janet? Bit of an emergency. I have to go to the dentist. I’ve left a letter for Mr Williams, in case I can’t get in tomorrow. Well… Head Office is really keeping an eye on us these days. We had a reception last Friday. – Really?
– Yes. ‘Arrow Road Police Station. I’m afraid Mr Smith isn’t available right now. I can pass him a message. My wife? Yes… yes. I’ll come right away. Janet? Get Graham down here to relieve me. The dentist? God…! Right. That was the police. My wife’s been in an accident. I’m sorry. I must go, but there’s no-one to cover me. – Graham’s at the dentist.
– I hope it’s not serious. you’d better go find out. – Yes.
– You go. Lock the grille behind you. I will. Thank you. Emergency – I’m needed upstairs. The inspector will stay locked in the strongroom. Back in a moment. Very good, sir. – Everything all right, Guard?
– Yes, sir. Quiet as a grave. You can open up. We’ll continue the inspection. – I’m very sorry. The line was dead!
– What do you mean? – They’d rung off.
– Do you think it was a hoax? I rang the police. They knew nothing about it. Have you been hard on any of your customers? I rang my wife at home, she was having a cup of tea. – Look, I’m sorry about this.
– Forget it. Would you like to run through the procedures again? – I like to do it by the book.
– That won’t be necessary. I’ve made a check. – I can certainly say I’m satisfied.
– Whatever you say. What you need is a cup of tea! Yes… I must admit, I did get a bit of a shock. Come on, old chap. I’m glad to know your wife’s well. Any children? – Yes, we’ve got two.
– Boys? Girls? – One of each.
– How nice. – Inspection finished, Guard.
– Thank you, sir. Take the shaft. Well, it’s been quite an afternoon for you. And for you, too! That will be in order. Yes, Lady Dorset, we’ve made a note of that. Just go to the guard at the side entrance. He has instructions. One moment, m’lady. If you come this way, we’ll attend to you. – Cab, sir?
– Piss off. This weighs a bit, m’lady. What have you got in here – gold bars? No gold bars, just lots of papers. Been robbing the bank, have you? How did you guess? Bitch! Taxi! – London Airport.
– You rude sod! I’ll give you a tenner if you make it in 30 minutes. ¡ê15 if we make it, ¡ê10 if we don’t.…Return to the Air Canada desk. Mr Bennett to the Air Canada desk.Can’t you go any faster? Come back next week – I’m fitting a supercharger! – What can I do, dig a tunnel?
– Might be quicker! You can always get out and walk! Don’t be rude, shut up! – We’ll never make it!
– Not now. Wait… wait here! What else can I do? A vertical take-off? Where are you going? Do you wanna go to the airport or not?! Airport currency control? I happen to know there’s a woman calling herself Lady Dorset… who’s leaving the country within the hour… with a substantial amount of money in cash… Switzerland or Fiji. Call me a friend of the family!Pan American announce the departure of Flight 121 to Los Angeles and Honolulu.This is a final call for passengers travelling on BOAC jet flight 914…to Zurich, Beirut, Delhi, Bangkok and Hong Kong.Excuse me, Lady Dorset. I wonder if you’d mind coming this way. It won’t take a moment. If you like.Qantas announce the departure of their flight QM581…This is an announcement by BOAC.Will Lady Dorset, on BOAC flight 914 to Zurich, report to the departure lounge.I’m sorry, Lady Dorset, we have to follow up these calls, however mad. Of course. Don’t worry, we’ll get you through and onto the plane. Thank you very much. Did she suggest that… you and she went away together with the money? Yes. Of course, I didn’t agree. I agreed… in the end. I agreed straightaway. – Good afternoon.
– Good afternoon.Our flight time will be one hour and 25 minutes.– Is that all right?
– Oh, yes! What’ll you do now? – Back to the bank.
– Christ, you’ve got guts! – They won’t suspect ME. And you?
– Oh, something’ll turn up. It always has. Mr Graham? Yes? Couldn’t we try it again… next year? Call me, next March. I’ll either be there, or…