The Salsa Spectrum – You Suck at Cooking (episode 38)
- Articles, Blog

The Salsa Spectrum – You Suck at Cooking (episode 38)


(beats) To make salsa you need a few basic components. A red thing like a tomato canned tomatos cherry tomatos a red pepper or a brick… You need a green thing like lime green pepper cilantro or if you don’t like the taste of cilantro… some green soap. And onion thing like a white onion a purple onion a white onion painted purple a shallot a green onion a green onion painted white or a potato carved in the shape of an onion. You’ll need a garlicky thing like a bulb of garlic a clove of garlic garlic spheres garlic air or garlic carved into the shape of garlic A sweet thing like white sugar brown sugar brown sugar painted white artisan honey maple syrup mango or wasp tears And something hot like jalapeno chili flakes hot sauce a lit match or a flaming chili dipped in molten lava An easy way to remember what you need is to make a word of the initials of each item so red, green, onion, garlic, sweet, hot. RGOGSH Say it with me. RGOGSH! Great. To make the simplest, easiest, cheapest salsa possible We’re gonna take a can of tomatos We’re just going to take the tomato bits out It looks gross, that’s cause it is. And then we’ll put these into a bowl. Oh Didn’t realize there was a crack in this bowl. But I think that’s ok. Take some white onion. Throw that in there. So I’m gonna press the clove of garlic into this. A pinch of chili flakes. A pinch of sugar. Some salt. Some pepper pepper pepper! Everything to taste. Then we’ll just give it a quick stir. The salsa has a dry, full tomato body with A touch of acidity, notes of parsimony with A thin finish and very nice legs. We’re going to say this is pretty low on the salsa spectrum. I mean the worst salsa You can have is delicious salsa. From there you get to Extra Delicious Salsa, Super Extra Delicious Salsa, Super Extra Ridonkulous Salsa, Salsulus Ridonkulous Maximus And then Extra Tasty is…. the best salsa. You can have… um…. Hey, you also get to decide how chunky or how thin you want your salsa. At the bottom of the puree scale you get something like this it’s very very thin and doesn’t get much smoother than this and then check your side you get something more like this is a really really hearty tasty salsa a really good flavor separation here so now let’s see if we can journey up a little higher on the salsa spectrum slice some fresh tomatoes oh my god I completely forgot the cilantro in the original salsa I forgot the green thing see RGOGSH the flaw in the system alright original salsa let’s make you complete there’s so so much better unless you hate cilantro a lot of people do I don’t blame you first few times I ate it full-on tastes like soap and then something clicked all right green thing and we’re going to add basil and mint oniony thing purple onion because it’s a little bit sweet garlicy thing how about garlic sweet thing mango I really don’t know what I’m doing with mangoes hot one jalapeno this jalapeno is not really hot at all it’s more just jalapeni don’t forget the salt and the pepper pepper pepper I was pretty damn good this sauce is very fruit forward with a bulbous body and a spicy citrus finish I’m tempted to add a little honey but I’m not going to cause I have discipline it’s really up to you how much money you spend on a salsa the cheapest probably would be if you just used a red thing and a green thing like say a cup of your own blood and a few blades of grass that’s not going to tip the charts on the tastiness scale most expensively would be heirloom tomatoes Everest parsley ferrari onions diamond garlic pegasus honey and star matter the star matter also makes this the spiciest salsa and at 100 million tons per teaspoon you’re going to feel pretty full after just a few bites so this makes for a really good sharing salsa get out there mix and match feel it out mix it up work it out mix it down make it happen don’t be afraid times you’re in a situation where they’re just ain’t any salsa there to shove into your face yeah so are you gonna sit take it are you gonna get up get some ingredients and make a salsa it’s good its not balsa or wood if you say that you don’t like it that’s false you should just bang your little head against the ball and put all your tastebuds down on the ground cuz they’re broken stores closed where will you go where will you go when the stores are all closed hey you need salsa you can’t exactly call someone you gotta have to make salsa right now you suck at cooking oh my god you suck you suck at cooking oh my god you to to make spicy balsa you want to take a couple strips

About Earl Carter

Read All Posts By Earl Carter

100 thoughts on “The Salsa Spectrum – You Suck at Cooking (episode 38)

  1. Lyrics to the ditty
    ———————————————
    Sometimes you're in a situation
    where there just ain't any salsa there to shove into your face,
    (yeah!)
    So are you gonna sit and take it
    or are you gonna get up grab some ingredients and make it!

    Salsa is good,
    it's not balsa wood
    If you say that you don't like it
    that's false you should!

    Just bang your little head against the wall of wood
    all your taste buds down on the ground cause they're broken

    Store's closed,
    where will you go?

    Where will you go when the stores are all closed
    (hey!)
    You need salsa,
    you can't exactly call someone
    you're gonna have to make salsa right now!
    (hey!)

    You suck at cooking
    Oh my god you suck,

    You suck at cooking

    Oh my god you –

  2. This dude is effortlessly hilarious, and what a refreshing chanel on youtube! He's teaching us that you don't have to be perfectly organized, you don't need the fanciest of cooking equipment, and certainly not the fanciest ingredients to make a delicious meal!

  3. So first red deodorant
    Then throw in some asparagus pee
    Then the onion news channel
    After that some garlic watermelon because SOMEONE forgot to clean the cutting board goddammit
    Then cyanide because that’s apparently sweet although i wouldn’t try
    Finally your mom because she’s hot (trust me i’d know)

  4. nobody:

    you suck at cooking: some pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper

  5. Hold up!
    Last time I've made salsa which was today I did not add sugar! Pinche madre there is no sugar in salsa!!!!

    pants
    But that's just the traditional way maybe this is some sort of american take or stuff (just like what they did to my beloved taquitos😥)
    You may proceed with your day now that you've been informed of my rage..

  6. I hate salsa. It makes me want to throw up. You're funny, but seeing the salsa actually made me throw up in my mouth.

  7. I LOVE Cilantro. but it's ok if you hate it. not everyone likes a thing. If Jalapenos aren't packing the heat you desire YSAC, use Serrano peppers

  8. Red Thing: Cardboard painted red
    Green Thing: Green bird’s feathers
    Onion Thing: A piece of bread that has the word ‘onion’ in permanent marker on it.
    Garlic Thing: A garlic bulb carved into the shape of feet, with way too much shredded cheese and cotton.
    Sweet Thing: Happy Children
    Hot Thing: 37 Lit Matches

    This salsa pairs well with being spread on some bread.

  9. Blood and grass is the ultimate survival salsa. Pair it with wild crisps or skin flakes for the woodland party food.

  10. I quite like cilantro.. Also get that damn mango out of the fucking salsa you disgraceful human being. Not kidding but love you ♥ seriously salsa is supposed to hurt not be sweet

  11. The brick, Green soap, potato (carved in onion shape), garlic air, wasp tears, and a lit math worked best for me

  12. i dont think that lady bug was in focus for a single frame in the whole clip. off to the land of closed stores for you!

  13. Worst salsa you can have is watery flavorless tomato salsa which is basically just tomato.
    i've gone to a mexican place and had that kind of salsa once but it had some onion in it or something so it was ok.
    they usually have really good salsa so it was just a salsa glitch.

  14. This is the kind of comedy that I am looking for, and it is also the kind of cooking guide that I am looking for…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *