Toasted Tomato Sandwich – You Suck at Cooking (episode 79)
- Articles, Blog

Toasted Tomato Sandwich – You Suck at Cooking (episode 79)


[♫] The toasted tomato sandwich
brings us back to a simpler time. A time before smart phones and satellites; A time before algebra and toilets. Back when things were easy. A time when character was built
from hard work and hard knocks. Out in the country,
where tomatoes come from. And that’s where this sandwich begins: In a field, with the simple tomato. If you’ve never had a
freshly picked field tomato, well you’re missing out. And if you don’t have a field
with tomatoes growing in it, you can get them at a roadside stand. Next thing you’ll need
is whole wheat bread which starts with whole wheat. Wrap some up inside burlap and leave it under the strong crisp
light of the moon for three lonely nights. [CRICKETS] Tie up the end then sell it
to your neighbor as a pillow. Then use that money to buy a
loaf of whole wheat bread that you can call your own. Now take that bread, fix it to a skewer, and under the light of the hot afternoon Sun, gingerly place it into your 500 watt galvanized steel nichrome wire lateral current low impedance split phase omnidirectional quad voltage wide arc triple coil toasting machine. Powered by an 8,000 horsepower truck. And plunge it all the way down,
until your toast is golden from the power of heat
and fresh country air. [INHALE] Now spread that toast with full fat mayo, squeezed from the thostle of a Hercules plant, until it’s exactly a quarter of a half inch thick. Slice your Tomatoes with
a freshly sharpened blade, forged from a hunk of carbon
stainless meteorite iron. Then lay them on with care at dawn. Wander on down to a
nearby saltwater stream and collect one of Earth’s
most precious minerals: Rhodium. And trade it for an equal amount of salt. Then sprinkle that onto the tomatoes. Harvest fresh peppercorns,
then smash them with your spike and rail. And spread them onto the sandwich generously Put the second piece of
mayonnaise slathered toast on top, and slice your toasted
tomato sandwich into two 3-point-allelograms,
while quietly acknowledging the presence of the Illuminati. th̕e͘ ̷prese͟nce ̸of̸ ͞th͘e ̛I̧l͜lumin̕a̷t̛i.̀ th͟e͝ ̀pres̨en͢ce̴ ͟of ̴t͏h͞e I̵l͢l҉umi̧nati̸. th̕͜e ́͝p҉̶r̶̀̕e͠ş͠enc͠e̴͜ ̶ǫ͞͡f́͟͜ ͘thę̴ ͞I̵̡l̕͘l̢u̷͜m͏in͟͠à̢t̢i̵̶.̛ t̶̢̡͜ḩ̀è̷͘ ̢̛͘ṕ̷͘ŕ̵e̕͟͏s̷̡̛e҉̨n̡͏̶ć̛e̸̢̛͠ ̶̧͟͝o҉͜f̡͜ ̷̕͜͢ţ̵́͟h̀e͏̶̛́͠ ̡̨́͠I̶̛҉l̸̢͡l̴̀͘͝͠ù̡̢̀͢ḿ̀͟i̷͟͠n̨̕̕͟͠a̷̵͞t̷҉̵̡͡i̵͡͝͏.̴͘ Then take your sandwich
out into the yard, into the corn, then
through the woods, down a lonely road,
and across the beans. Out into the country
where the bales lay still, and take a quiet moment to recognize that your toasted tomato sandwich has become soggy. That you should have
eaten it immediately when the toast was crisp. But you had to walk around
like a show-off, and now you’re paying the price. Tell yourself you’ll
do better next time. Out here in the country. Where tomatoes come from.

About Earl Carter

Read All Posts By Earl Carter

100 thoughts on “Toasted Tomato Sandwich – You Suck at Cooking (episode 79)

  1. I have 500 watt galvanized steel nichrome wire lateral current low impedance split phase omnidirectional quad voltage wide arc triple coil toasting machine Envy !

  2. I am so sorry, Mr. YouSuckAtCooking. Many wastrels who follow a "Genius of Show" should never attempt a word of opinion. Thus is witnessed by the witless comments herein. I challenge anti-syllabists to drink cups of overflowing juices of hemlock.

  3. I am so sorry, Mr. YouSuckAtCooking. Many wastrels who follow a "Genius of Show" should never attempt a word of opinion. Thus is witnessed by the witless comments herein. I challenge anti-syllabists to drink cups of overflowing juices of hemlock.

  4. My mom made this for me, and it didn’t taste the best.
    But that was probably because I didn’t make it with all the natural ingredients. Out in the country.
    Where tomatoes come from.

  5. But… isn't this just a blt except the salty goodness from the b is replaced with actual salt?
    Oh, and no l. Unless the pepper is supposed to cover that.

  6. I don't know how to feel without being told I suck at cooking in a jingle sorda way! What do I do with my life now??

  7. This is here in Roncesvalles country where we BBQ smoke so thick like Polish cabbage roll fog. We do do better.

  8. I added this to my recipes playlist even though I’ve known this recipe since I was 6 because I was afraid I would forget it

    I really do suck at cooking don’t I

  9. every once in a while I'll come back and watch this because im craving this sandwich. the first time i ever tried this sandwich, it was an instant orgasm in my mouth. it helped me realise that i needed to over come my fear of simple things. as the former 44th president of the united states of america, Barak Hussein Obama II once said, "simple sandwiches be good lmao". its true. they are good. if it weren't for this video, id have never known that this is my favorite sandwich to make. with only 4 simple ingredients, it comes together like the holy Trinity itself. thank you, ysac. thank you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *