Twisted Act 1 Part 1
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Twisted Act 1 Part 1

Once upon a time In a far away land There was a magic kingdom That prospered through its commitment to two simple ideals: Duty and Devotion: The two D’s. For many years the Kingdom stood as a shining beacon For artisans, craftsman, and storytellers Who all flocked to the land with the dream to uphold the sacred two Ds. Through their hard work, a glorious Golden Age came to the Kingdom, *Gasp* Followed by a second, even greater than the first. Then came the Dark Times. The Kingdom fell into the hands of an evil Sultan And through his negligence the Kingdom fell to ruin. *Sigh* The Happiest place on Earth became de Crappiest place on Earff. Despite the efforts of one man. A man with a dream, To restore the kingdom to its former glory and to bring about the prophesied third Golden Age. A misunderstood man. This is his story: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier! I look around the kingdom and see the desperation And the devastation that persists, No matter what I do. But today could be the day I finally make a difference And all the grateful citizens
will say to me… Fuck You! Fuck You, Ja’far. Oh! Good morning Baker! Where are you off to today, you no good piece of shit? *Squawk* Piece of shit What did you just call me, you Bastard?! No!! Friend I said nothing! That was my bird. He has the ability to repeat words that others have spoken. Hm. Well, in that case maybe you should teach him these words: Fuck You, Ja’far! Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up! Why don’t we have enough to eat? Why are we dying in the street? Why does my baby always cry? Why did my mommy have to die? Mine Too! The answer here, is crystal clear! Ja’far, that ugly old vizier! He’s the reason for our many woes. Though we’re upset, we shouldn’t fret. We mustn’t let ourselves forget. The saying every child raised within the kingdom knows: You’ve got to dream a little harder when life won’t go your way. Simply dream a little harder. Trust me when I say that when you dream little harder, You’re sure to follow through! Cause if you’re good and you’re attractive, no need to be proactive! Good things will just happen to you! I’ve come to return the book I borrowed! Oh Ja’far! It took you long enough, you shit-eating dog. Well I couldn’t put it down! It’s one of my favorites! The story of a misunderstood witch, who’s really not wicked at all- she’s just green. But she still gets blamed for all the Kingdom’s problems. Oh! so you think you’re better than me just ’cause you can read? Well get out of my Bookstore! We don’t like your kind in here anyway. What about the book? Keep it. And may the rats ejaculate upon you. Thank you!! Why is the kingdom plagued by theft? Why are there no more good jobs left? Why does the sun go down at night? Why is everyone in the kingdom white? *murmured agreement* Ummm. Ja’far? Ja’far! Ja’far! Ja’far! No man who’s just Could ever trust, A face that triggers such disgust! His twisted features give me such a chill! So let us pray That one fine day, That evil man will go away ‘Cause if we want it bad enough, he will! For if you… …dream a little harder You’ll get what you desire. Dream a little harder, When things are looking dire. If you dream a little harder, Success is guaranteed! If you are sure of your intention, Some magic intervention Will give you the edge that you need. Oh! Pardon me ma’am. Oh that’s alright just try to keep your fat face out of that motherfucking book. I know that I’m no prize, I’m not so easy on the eyes. I can’t rely on looks to get me by But ugliness permits A man to use his wits ‘Cause pretty people never have to try I hear the people whisper As I walk about the streets I know they call me. Ugly old Ja’far! What I call planning, They call scheming. What I call delusion, They call dreaming. Why am I the only one Who sees things as they are? (Wish a little stronger)
I need six eggs. Why not buy some? (Hope a little bigger)
I want to fly That’s unrealistic (Think a little louder)
I want to be a cat What? Fuck you! Whistle while you swallow A spoon full of sugar And your dreams will come true Upon a star… Dream hard enough, my friends. Ja’far will meet a violent end He could be skewered by a sailing ship. Or hanged in tangled jungle vines. Or eaten by hyenas. Or he’ll plummet to his death, From a castle. A clock. Or a cliff. And if we dream a little harder… Our patience and our ardor, Will rid us of that ugly old Ja’far! Fuck you! Wonderful! That was wonderful! Thank you. Wonderful job! Thank you. Oh Bird! Sometimes I feel as if you’re my only friend in this world. *Squawk* Fuck you. Right. No, my book it’s covered in mud! Oh no! Wait, is that shit? That smell is me Ja’far You would not believe the morning I’ve had. Why is my Captain of the Royal Guard covered in shit?! Well, my men and I just jumped from a window And into a cart of Crazy Hakim’s Discount Fertilizer. Why? We were chasing a man No. A Devil. A thief who everyday robs from the common folk. Bread, laundry off of clotheslines, and even watermelons. We try to catch him, but he’s always just one jump ahead. Today things got a little out of hand and a lot of good people are dead. Explain. Well, The sword swallower slit his throat from the inside when the thief’s pet monkey ripped the sword right out of it. Know the guy that sleeps on the bed of nails? Yes. A fat guard fell on him. Now he’s dead. Then when we fell from the window into the cart of manure Kabal snapped his neck on impact. Two more choked on shit. All this for a loaf of bread. *Death coughing* Abdul you’re alive?! I thought you choked on shit! Did we get the loaf of bread back? Oh no, I’m sorry the thief got away wit– Yes. Yes Abdul, we got the bread back. Praise Allah! *Dies* This is all your fault Ja’far My fault! How is this my fault and not that thief’s? There wouldn’t be any thieves if you fixed the socioeconomic inequality like you promised. Why do you even bother visiting us commoners anyone you aristocat? There’s a very important prince coming into town today from one of our vassal kingdoms, The Land of Pik-zahr! I’ve come to welcome him personally. Another suitor for the princess? Oh, if only Captain. He’s here because the trade agreement between his kingdom and ours has expired. And I’ve got to extend the contract, or our kingdom is doomed. That’s why I pulled out all the stops to make this prince’s visit a happy one. We’ve arranged a character breakfast with our princess, Given him a two day park hopper pass, and a lanyard for souvenir pin collecting. Everyone must treat this prince with the utmost respect. *Laughs* I saw that very prince riding by on his horse earlier. Oh! He was being accosted by the same thief we just spoke of. What?! The street rat threw a whip in his face. He told him that he’d never seen a horse with two rear ends. Now I’m not sure if the thief meant the prince had a big horsey ass Or a horse ass for a face. Either way, everyone laughed, and the prince was furious. Oh, I better go back to the palace and make sure his breakfast with the princess goes well. But Ja’far. Isn’t she known to sic tigers on visiting princes. Oh Shit! You’re right. I sure hope you haven’t goofed this one up Ja’far. No! No! I Haven’t! Why don’t you go apprehend the thief, What’s his name? There are whispers, Rumors only. They say he’s called, Aladdin. Then we must find this one, This Aladdin Tisk tisk tisk Look at this mess. *Sigh* Dead bodies in the street. The state of this kingdom, It’s no place to raise a monkey. Come on monkey, don’t be scared. Yeah! Cause it’s just a dead body. oh You can have fun with them! Look, you can kick’em. oh! You can eat’em! OH! Most importantly You get to loot’em. Ah, there it is! look at that! Hey! That looks enough like you. Heh That’ll get you into the bars. Oh! All those guards should’ve just let me take this bread. Don’t they get it? I’m not a bad guy. eh. I steal only what I can’t afford. And that’s everything. Want food but got no money? I’m screwed, or so it would seem. That’s why I came up with this brilliant scheme: Just steal everything Alright monkey let’s feast! Yeah yeah!! *takes bite of bread* *spits out bread* Ugh! Raisins! I hate raisins. Oh, hey little orphan kids! You guys hungry? You want some bread? We do sir. Fetch you Fucks! For real, I’m not that picky, I’ll steal whatever’s in sight. Don’t judge, ’cause you don’t understand my plight. Hey, my crutch! It’s mine now, loser! I steal everything! *weird laughter* Bread! Bread for sale! Very reasonably priced for these hard times. Oh! Hey there friendo! Not you again! Please, you just stole a loaf a bread from me this morning! Yeah. You gotta stop putting raisins in it man. I hate raisins! I was talking to monkey about it and he thinks we should just kill you. Roar. But I was like No monkey that’s crazy! But now I’m kinda thinking, yeah. No more fucking raisins. No! No please. I-I-I’ll bring you some more bread tomorrow, with no raisins. *laughs* You’re the best! I’m gonna tell all my thief friends about you! But you owe me one. Did you know that in this barbaric country, They only give you money if you work? Pleh. Thanks but no thanks, “The Man,” I’ll keep stealing all I can. *Cries* Instead of being a fascist, yuppy jerk! Hippy! Fucker! Slacker! Sucker! Who would seek employment? When life offers such enjoyment? Anything I get I can get for free. Besides, the economy’s shit, So I make haste when making exits, Get chased by a murderous mob. Hey man, still beats getting a job Am I right? Oh! Getting into trouble a little early today, aren’t we Aladdin? Pfft. You’re only in trouble if you get caught. Aladdin! OH! I’m in trouble! After-After that night we spent together my belly grows big with child. And my father says that you must marry me or I’ll bring dishonor to my entire family. Woah woah woah woah woah woah I can’t give up on my dreams and settle down just because your dad’s being a dick. oh. Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love. Oh Aladdin, I understand. I knew you would. You’re such a special girl Jezebel. Who’s Jezebel?! Uh oh! Busted! Yoink! Asshole! Oh, wow! Douchebag! Hey now! Just one question, why man? ‘Cause you stole my daughter’s hymen. That’s completely fair But in my defense: Dude, your daughter’s hot. Yeah! I feel that it’s my duty, To steal, ’cause stealing’s an art. I’ll steal clothing and shelter, whatever I lack, Candy from babies, the shirt off your back, Credit, identities, thunder, and scenes Intellectual property, whatever that means And if you look closer This poor little orphan Will steal Your heart…

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